Since New York... I went to Ireland!...

and it is true, Ireland is absolutely beautiful... and there are beautiful dusks and castles...

and this girl is amazingly beautiful...

and fish and chips...

and end up in Dublin in a hotel with a massive bed and nap. And life is good.

A Conversation with Jennifer Liu about my Upcoming Solo Exhibition "From Here" @ Joseph Gross Gallery

This coming November 5th, one week and two days away, I will open my latest exhibition at Joseph Gross Gallery.  A collection of works that were created when I returned from a rather quick and cyclical exodus to find home back in NYC only to return to California with a new understanding of what the reality of that concept truly is.  Home is where we are when all of our facets are running correctly and our fluid movement in the universe is meant to be in its then place at that moment, at least that is how I feel.  The work reflects and shows almost in a performance like quality of process the pain and joy and realization and growth the act of coming to terms with ones self and accepting life on life's terms while finding gratitude within it.  It is going to be so feeing to show this body of work to New York and the world.

One thing that has happened in the process of this new evolution is that my incredibly close friend and energy Jennifer Liu, a brilliant thinker and writer, was in conversation with me throughout this painful and the enlightening and powerful process.  She has played an integral role in my life since meeting her in the spring of 2014.  She and I have a bond found in transcendental meditation, tacos, art, music, weirdness and an ability to question and talk about the universe and life and the power of experience to no end.  She came to visit California this past spring and we sat down and had Ethiopian food and we recorded a conversation about the work and the upcoming show and all that went into it and her views on it and my process and everything in between.  So here I am officially publishing the transcription of that conversation which she so thoroughly put into print.  I am extremely grateful that she took the time out to do this and am very happy to share it with you.  Here goes. Oh and I will be posting images of the work along with it.

Deep Darkness Come Ah Creepin (low res)

conversation with JFA III on june 21, 2015 asmara restaurant, telegraph ave. oakland, ca

j: So, we can first start with what mediums you’ve been using, ‘cause I feel like you don’t typically use pastels that much…

f: Yeah. It’s a huge departure from, like — everything I had been doing for a while had a sort of formula to it, where I was using kind of a set of materials that created an aesthetic effect that was consistent, and I really wanted to work on paper. I always like working on paper —

j: — which also made you break away from paints, right?

f: Yeah, totally. So I went to an art store, and I just bought what I felt like I needed to buy at the time, rather than basing my decision on what I knew worked.

j: What you were good at.

f: Yeah, exactly. I knew I wanted to make marks. I knew something inside of me was like, I need to make raw marks. With black pastel. I could see these orbs, these vortexes, these really chaotic energy kind of vortexes that I had to create. And I was like, oil pastels, spray paint, just regular house paint — I bought as limited of a color palette, as limited an amount of materials as I could. It wasn’t about what I was using. I mean, somewhat. But more about having to make something with the things I had, because I didn’t have a lot of money either.

j: That’s interesting. This is reminding me of primary process thinking versus secondary process thinking. Primary process is kind of what it sounds like: it’s about the process. Whereas secondary process thinking is when you’re sort of using a means to an end, like trying to achieve a logical goal. Trying to manifest some image you have. Primary process thinking is very prominent in children, like when they doodle they don’t really care if it looks like shit, or if they play an instrument, they’re not phased by whether or not they sound good.

f: That’s exactly what it was.

j: I feel like as an established artist, you have to mostly be in secondary process thinking because you need to make money, you need to think about what people like, if what you’re doing is offensive or illegal… You have to have this sort of logical checklist.

f: Yeah, and so much of my work that I have been making for so long — I realized after this really intense experience that really broke me back down to this core level of being, that a lot of the stuff I had made really did begin with that in mind, with this, “How am I gonna make this look cool?”

j: Or make it the most technically impressive thing you can. Just one-up something you did before.

f: And consistency, and…

j: Yeah. I think what was interesting about your recent work, it did kind of have this Basquiat vibe where it was very childish but in a way that — it’s not easy to be childish. It’s really not. As an adult, it’s not easy to be childish. To unlearn what you —

f: You can’t fake it.

j: And that nagging voice that’s telling you to shade something properly, or to add more detail, all the things you learned in art school or from society, it’s all engrained in us now and the older we get the harder it is to not listen to those voices. So when I think of Adventure Time, the TV show, it’s like a cartoon that’s just nonsense. This nonsense world. And I remember having this thought where I was just like — and Tim & Eric, stuff like that — “I can’t believe people get paid to write this shit.” But then I was like, wait, I totally can believe that, because it’s not easy to make a fleshed out nonsensical thing, you know?

f: Yeah, and to present it.

j: It’s not unintentional. It’s not haphazard. It’s very thought out, but broken away from what we’d normally think is sensible or good.

f: And I think that that’s a lot of what’s so different and so much purer to me about this work: I think that it’s extremely intentional, and a lot of the stuff before, when I look at it — I love it, and it was really important because it did convey what was going on. But some of it became unintentional because it was like, “How do I craft this into this thing that I’m trying to show you?” rather than just, “I need to convey what’s going on inside onto this piece of paper, and however that’s perceived by the world is gonna be how it’s perceived, but this is what I have to make right now. I’m not gonna overanalyze or over think it. I’m just gonna let it pour out.”

Moment of Realization (low res)

j: I feel like there’s a sort of… utilitarian intention that turns into non-intention really quickly. Just having everything be a means to an end is limiting. I think western culture prioritizes —

f: — the end? [laughs]

j: Yeah, that sort of linear point of view, where it’s like: point A will get you to point B. You work really hard and then you’ll make it, or whatever. And also there’s that idea I was talking to you about before, how things don’t happen in the future; they happen now. When you just have your eyes fixated on the end goal, you’re completely missing everything that makes that end goal exist — which is now.

f: Well, I was defining now. I feel like for the first time since childhood, or since I first got sober, I was truly in that channel. I was just a conduit for what was happening and what had recently happened, too. I was reconciling my existence, in a way, on all those pieces of paper and panels, by just making marks and writing and letting thoughts pour out and then editing with paint and being really rudimentary.

j: The erasures are really interesting, because typically it’s about showing more and not less. You’re sort of getting into this reverse mentality where — I don’t know, it’s very zen, to be able to accept that it’s not quantifiable, it’s not literally like the more detail there is the better it is. It’s not such a direct correlation that way.

f: When I look at stuff that I did a few years ago, and some of the stuff last year — I started to get more minimal last year as I started to kind of know myself more. In the past it’s been really huge, chaotic, intense, full of detail, and I realized that that was a signifier of where I was at.

j: Trying to fill the void instead of accepting the void.

f: Yeah. I didn’t really know myself. I had this image of who I was and what I wanted and it was based off of insecurity and some deep-rooted fears, and I was very much projecting that out. And this experience that I went through broke that down to the level where that sense of ego and self was no longer working. It was not healthy. I was just covering up a lot of —

j: You were literally covering up every inch of white space on a canvas.

f: Yeah, and this time, I was actively in the work and process and trying to dig down to the core meanings and fundamental truths that were the catalysts for why I was in so much pain. And through that, I created this body of work that, to me, signifies why I was in so much pain, what it felt like, and what needed to change. And actively working to change it, and leading into this whole awakening. By all that editing and erasure and creating these same kind of intricate panel paintings and then just starting to paint over them and finding that moment where I was finally just… meat, at a level that I had never really known before, was really where it all came from.

j: I definitely felt a difference when I saw your new stuff — I feel like when I look at your old work, I’m like, “Wow, that is really impressive.” But I looked at your new stuff and I actually felt, like, emotional about it.

f: That’s awesome.

Bullet Points(low res)

j: Yeah, that’s why that one was my phone background for a while. There’s something kind of — it was very much like a snapshot that implied a narrative, instead of a snapshot that implied an image. You know? You kind of got into this world where, not only was it doing something different for you, but, in turn, it was also doing something different for the audience. These new works sort of imply a process and make me think about the narrative.

f: And they’re vulnerable. It’s not like, “Look at this crazy thing that you can’t really step inside of.” It’s broken down, and totally vulnerable, you know?

j: Something else I’ve also been thinking about, in general, is instant gratification, and that same linear process of “A will get me to B” — and how New York was like an embodiment of — like, New York and cocaine —

f: [laughs]

j: — are the embodiment of instant gratification and the way I keep putting it is: the good thing about instant gratification is that you get what you want, and the bad thing about instant gratification is that you get what you want. You don’t get any less, but you don’t get any more. You get exactly what you want, but what we really learn from in life are the times when we get something different than what we expected. So I feel like what you’ve been doing is sort of a means to a means, instead of a means to an end.

f: Yeah, it’s actually like being aware of my feelings and emotions and who I really am. Getting away from this idea that I need people to perceive me in a certain way, which is not reality. It’s trying to hide from reality.

j: So do you feel like what you made has to do with your returning to the Bay?

f: I think what I made has to do with me losing sight of the path — kind of being taken off the path, so to speak — for good reason. In going back to New York and finding that I had created this illusion in my head of what success was and who I was… my ego had grown quite a bit. It’s a response to, essentially, getting what I had wanted. Exactly what you were saying. I had come to a point where I got what I wanted and what I wanted was based off of a lot of dark, very insecure things. It was a response to a lot of fear, and I needed to just break myself down to being able to accept reality.

j: And everything is the reality — it’s not just about the end. Wasn’t one of your earlier shows called “No Destination” or something?

f: That was the last show I did before I left.

j: That was such an awesome name. It almost would be perfect for this one. [laughs] Revamp it!

f: It was perfect for that one! Because that show was the beginning of me visually unlearning a lot in front of an audience. It was the first time I was like, “I’m going to take a break from this whole Unstoppable Tomorrow third-party filter on everything.” I was gonna do it with some of that in mind, but in the statement I made it clear that it was a lot of information that was coming out of me from a lot of experiences I’d had in the past few years, and creating a narrative about all these awakenings — the things we can’t always see or touch or explain in the moment, you know?

j: A lot of the concepts you’ve been talking about are very Buddhist and eastern, so it may have to do with your practice, too. You learning a new definition of fulfillment that has to do with emptying.

Grow Baby Grow (Ritual of Ruin) (low res)

f: That’s… yes! [laughs] Absolutely. That piece that you like so much was such a fundamental moment for me. I literally put a piece of paper on the wall and I was like, okay, I got these shows coming up, I need to make stuff, I’m freaking out. In my head, still, I was having thoughts about drinking and killing myself and all this crazy shit, and I was like, well I guess I should do letters how I’ve been doin’ them. So I drew the letters on there. I was like, “I’ll do them in pencil, ‘cause that’ll look cool.” And then I slept on it. And then the next day, I got so full of pain inside. I was going to A.A. like crazy, and I was just constantly in this brutal pain deep inside, and I was processing all this shit and just constantly asking for the strength to get through the day, and to work. To get through it. And I’ll never forget — I picked up the red oil pastel, and it was like, I wasn’t doing it. I wasn’t consciously doing that. I stood there and my hand started shaking, and I looked at it, and my hand just shot out and started marking through the letters in this really beautiful moment, and just broke it up. I felt this huge sense of relief because I had, in essence, let go to the point where I was in the channel again, and something was guiding me to break this formula of self, of ego, of what I thought the world needed to see from me. Just ruin it, and make a big mistake to grow from it. And it ended up being one of the most beautiful things I ever made. Then I took a pencil and struck the letters out, I was like, “Fuck you, letters!” and whatever formula of living I thought was like, “How We Live” — that’s not life. And then I started writing all this stuff about what had happened in New York under it. I picked up a brush and started marking out letters and words, took the spray paint and started spraying over parts of it, and by the end of it I realized that all I needed to get at, all I needed to convey was that I was in a moment of profound acceptance and pain, and I was growing. And that’s what growing is. So that’s why the only two words left on there are grow and acceptance. It’s circled, and it’s cut out of the paint — the “acceptance” part. I painted over it and kept cutting it out and I was like, I just need to accept that it needs to be there, and then I did, and I painted the bottom white to represent that divulgence into bliss. And then it was done. And then it was just like, fuck yes.

j: I think the white is another example of how it implies a narrative, because I could see that you had whited stuff out. But you weren’t doing it just to be clever. It’s obvious that there was a process involved, and that there are layers that went into it that are unseen in the finished product.

f: Absolutely. This is the first body of work that I’ve made, maybe ever since I was a kid, that was not made with any cleverness in mind. None of it was made with like, “This is gonna look so cool.” It was just so pure, you know?

j: I feel like intentions and motives are different, and what you had before were motives, and this is intention. There’s a really good quote by Freud or Jung or someone, and it’s super simple, it’s that “healing takes place in the present.” Not in the future, not in the past — healing takes place now. And I think what the defining factor of this new work is that it’s all very about the present.

f: And looking at the past, actually looking at it with a sense of what is real, not what is a projection, you know? In order to understand how the present is happening.

I Reckon I'm Not A Giant Robot After All (low res)

And how did WE get hERE where is thiS and it feels good alBEit intense and then its calm and beautiful. its always beautiful

All photos with my pretty unclear and not so high res Iphone 4 camera.  It is strange that nowadays this is even considered old looking photography. Where do we go next?

What is this all about//// life?

Updating the World.

The show in Denver was excellent.  The guys at Black Book Gallery are awesome to work with and I had a great time.  It was also great to see FFDG's Rachel Ralph and my buddy Max Kauffman who is also my studio mate at the show who were both in town from the Bay Area.  Got that Bay Love!   I will post photos of the show as soon as I edit them but for now I am going to give you some randoms.

So fall is upon us.  And my big show at Joseph Gross Gallery this November is approaching fast.  I want to give a big major shout out to my super close artist pal Jet Martinez who is actually showing there next month! He is prolific and if you haven't checked him out yet get into it!  And moving forward my solo show with work that is so fucking raw is opening on November 5th and I am so excited.  I am also flying to Ireland shortly after that to see my partner in crime who is currently living in Dublin.  I have never been and am definitely looking forward to it.  Also get ready for some store updates and some new work projects I have on the way... all good things are coming.

this is my partner in crime ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

This Saturday, 09/12/2015 in Denver CO

Onward to Denver

So I will be leaving for Denver Colorado tomorrow morning.  I have never been to Colorado, through Colorado, even really near Colorado, I have flown over Colorado many times, but I have so many friends from and who all love Colorado, so I am excited.  I just saw a woman off at the airport this past Thursday that I can honestly say has really affected my heart and my being in the most amazing way possible, and I really miss her now that she is back in Ireland so this trip is a welcome diversion from the routine of life I have here in Oakland that for the last month and half was punctuated by her presence and was insanely awesome with her being here.  The life of an artist, often alone with amazing moments of love and romance and excitement to punctuate the long periods of insane amounts of work and time alone and time put into being able to work and be alone so as to continue to make work.  Unless you are 100% inescapably wired to be an artist, and you can't not make art in a way that is obsessive and full of delirium and the excitement of the next creation over all, do yourself a favor and don't walk this path hahaha.  So anyway, I board a plane at 10 AM tomorrow and upon arrival I will be seeing my cousin whom I have not seen since I was probably 11 or 13 years old.  Needless to say, I am excited.

My reason for journeying to Denver is to have my first ever show with Black Book Gallery.  I have been watching Black Book for a while now, met Will and Tom at Art Basel last year, and have to say I am very proud to be showing with them.  I have a huge amount of respect for their programming and their interest in showing a range of different artists.  They really care about artists expanding their vision and thus far from my experience they are very supportive and very solid to work with.  We also seem to have a mutual love for BBQ so I definitely look forward to chowing down with them when I get there.

This is a little preview of some selected works that I will have up in the show.  The main figure, except for one piece, in the exhibition is my incredibly close friend, meditation partner, fellow universal explorer, inter-dimensional traveler, and taco enthusiast Jen. She is a very Prime Gnome indeed.  We have had some amazing adventures together and her presence and energy in my life, including the moment we came into one another's lives as friends, have built a dynamic that has helped both of us grow immensely into the people we are today. Without her friendship in so many ways I would not be as clear and making the work I am today and I am definitely very grateful for this.

The narrative thread or journey through this show started when I finally came down from my intense soul crushing experience post New York City this winter.  I suddenly could really think calmly again and began to see and remember in my meditations so many places I have been in the past few years where I really felt deeply in the realm of the spirit, open to the soft voices of the universe guiding me in total acceptance of my path.  Punctuated by moments with Jen and by moments of intensity, the show sort of starts at where I was before meeting her and journey's through the places unseen I entered and explored throughout 2014.  A lot of it came from the culmination of a long term awakening in sobriety that I was able to reflect on and visualize in purely abstract work as well as figurative pieces to punctuate the timeline and different modes of experience the narrative.

All in all this is going to be an awesome week. Zach Tutor at Supersonic Art did a killer studio visit recently you showed absolutely check out as well by clicking this link, Supersonic Studio Visit.  I may even be working on something large while there, but I also may just explore Colorado a bit and enjoy some time away from the chaos. This show continues to mark a time in my career where I am really breaking out of my conventions in a big ways and letting the art come out from deep within rather than pursuing a formulaic approach to certain modes of seeing or image building.  Regardless I am hopping on a plane in about 18 hours and I will update you from the road.

More Than Just Time

I will be leaving to go to Denver on September 8th, less than two weeks from now.  Damn, it's been a whole summer already. I have been back from the East Coast since the end of February and I feel like a lifetime has passed by.  I am very happy with the work that is going to be show at my project space solo with Black Book Gallery, and very curious to see how people connect with it.  It finds much more simplicity, to me a new sense of clarity, and a certain meditative vibe to the whole endeavor... I will post more soon..

Photo of the Day 07/05/2015

The Tank Rolls Forward, Careful to Not Crush the Flowers.

Hello hello... Well is it would seem that after a lot of work and a lot of digging and a lot of real reflection, time with those I love, and honest, intuitive art making I am really ready to embrace this beautiful summer we are having and the upcoming fall which will see my Black Book Gallery Project Space Solo and my Joseph Gross Gallery Solo Show which I am so so proud of.  I also have a piece in the upcoming Joseph Gross Gallery Summer Group Show called "Healing Galactus".  I am really into where my painting is going at the moment, unearthing darkness, embracing light, feeling through intensity and anxiety, depression and nostalgia, cerebral landscapes and emotional waves of fluidity. It all becomes the moment at each breath. I also had the amazing opportunity to hang out with one of my old Pratt Peers, ( who is also a fucking genius and will go down as one of the greatest book artists of our time) and we talked about race and cities and gentrification and reality and change and love and hate and traveling and the underlying passion and gift we have as artists in this world.  If you don't know about him yet check out Ron Whimberly asap!  SHOUT OUT TO YOU RON!!!! This dude kind of sent me some geood energy while we had burritos without even knowing he was opening my eyes and helping me to see big and see clearly again.  I may live in Cali but when I spend time with my East Coast hustlin brethren it reminds me of what I am made of to the core and truly rejuvenates me to get back in the studio and get out of my head and my own self centered fearful thoughts of failure.

Here is a rather lengthy statement and explanation that I wrote sort of stream of consciousness in regards the this new painting.

"My work as of late has been the point of reconciling so much of this concept of self and ego.  The action of digging into process and unearthing the dark and light beings of a multiplex of energies that make up "me".  From here I can find my way through the world in moments where past ignorance and upheaval I once caused can become a new source of positive influence simply by being aware of the power of ego and self. We all contain a Galactus somewhere within.  A world eater, an energy that is just bent on consuming "worlds" or worldly things for our own gain and to sustain our own levels of power as we grow, and this energy never comes for me from a place of truth and honest love of myself. It can be in a humble manner which is more of an absorption than a consumption to aid in the growth of ideas and evolution, or it can be in a destructive and self centered manner if that growth is unchecked and aids an ego that becomes the driving factor of a life, thus is the World Eater lost in the darkness outside of an inter dimensional portal of beingness in the painting. He is being reconciled by strokes of white and experimentation helping to fill his being with a sense of calm and embracing a different kind of power.  This piece is very much about the development of the awareness of my inner Galactus and the subsequent acceptance of its existence after a series of very hard experiences that forced a new growth and acceptance in my own life.  The process becomes the act of letting go and having the internal conversation necessary to be at ease with the desires and insecurities that the World Eater is spawned from and is motivated by so as to take away its blind power and dig further inward to not constantly be in the grip of that inner maelstrom.  Without Galactus inside of us somewhere the world would be out of balance, but to be consumed by our need to consume worlds we become the slaves to our own fears and hunger and lose any sense of gratitude which is what for me makes life the beautiful state of being I have come to love.  Be careful to not let the pendulum swing to the hunger of Galactus."-JFA III

Lastly here is the flyer for the upcoming group show! If you are in NYC go see! I am showing with Ron English yo!  And my SF hometown heros Jet Martinez and Ben Venom, amongst an amazing lineup of giants I am very honored to show with.

Photo of the Night... 06/08/2015

Drawing things on paper.  

Photo of the Day 06/08/2015

Remember that time Carolyn, Mr. Wishkins and I drove across the damn nation to do an art show in New York City...

Saturday 06-06-2015

The feelings that come with making art, the push and pull, the life experiences spewing forth onto the paper or wood or canvas or being made into sculpture or installation etc can be very mighty.  They can be intense overwhelming, sometimes even cause a certain sense of shock that requires a moment of rest after their culmination.  I went extremely hard, like I was being a channel for some universal energy for years, hell I still am in the channel and I still go hard.  But what I have found since my rather traumatic albeit eye opening experience of going back east and coming to some personal realizations about my place in things, is that the moments of gestation, of mental and spiritual digestion of all these life experiences are very important.  To reflect and refocus and reassess and then move forward carefully is a point I have found myself in.  As a recovering addict/alcoholic and artist I often want things now now now so to speak, I have found that with age and wisdom comes the necessity of learning how to pace ones self so as not to combust or run ones energy raw.  The work I have been making, and my slow moving urges and thoughts about finally embarking into found object assemblage have been evidence of this for me lately.  I am so blessed to have a life that I am afforded the time to just be and think and find my center.  Just some thoughts for the day. New Painting for Black Book Gallery for my September show.  "Rakushisha Vision" 22"x22" Acrylic, Spray Paint, and Oil Pastel on Wood Panel.

When the Darkness Finds You (Me)...

...you (I) just have to accept that shit and work to be on the path and let it all out into the world to take away its power.  Born in Darkness, 22"x30" Oil Pastel, House Paint, Spray Paint on Paper... For my solo exhibition this October, 2015 with Joseph Gross Gallery in New York City.

Climbing the Life Ladder Again.

I am coming back to the light now, making work like seen above, wrapping shared experience in a cosmic blanket, finding love and compassion again. But...It got dark.  What you may ask?  The sky? The Earth? The water? All of it.  It became dark.  The inside of my spirit.  The inside of my spirit.  A rift in time space, the Yokai came into my chest, a host of demons, of Oni and miscreant beings and tearing cables of pain and dysfunction. The blossoming of ice in that black vortex of memory and fear.  It was too much for me.  I found the road back to the path. Someone I greatly respect told me that sometimes we have to get knocked off the path to realize there is a path that we are on in the first place. I found this place, its confusing corridors of obsessive insanity and debilitating fear.  No excellent pork chop would do.  No fine Pho this time.  The ice elbows of small being ribbed my cage and found me full of crazy.  Out of shear survival instinct I began to do everything I could to find the path again.  This experience which took place in the winter of 2015 will never be forgotten.

My words in this short narrative have only scratched the surface. I have learned things about myself and the realities of life and the beauty of existence that I could have never fathomed previously I must say.  This is where my new work was born, this is where it grew and wrenched its way out of me onto paper helping me survive and grow and evolve.  This is where the work that suddenly finds color again now has been born of.  I am not a Giant Robot after all I reckon.  The black hole energy inside of me has turned back to light... or was it always light, just so powerful that it was devoid of anything I understood so as to force me to my foundation to accept that I am simply a being and my re-education is not always of my own creation. The universe guides me, and my story will continue to unfold here for you to see.  Thank you for being here.

Photo of the Day 03/03/15

 

Osaka, Dotonburi, Night Scene 2013

Photo of the Day 02/21/2015

  Osaka 2013

Photo of the Day February 17th 2015

Kara Walker Exhibition at the Domino Sugar Factory in Brooklyn, NY, 2014 

Photo of the Day 02/16/2015

From Last Years Cross Country Road Trip with Carolyn LeBourgeois... New Orleans...

Photo of the Day...

Photo by John Felix Arnold III 2013