I will keep the text here brief. I have finally settled in more or less to my new spaces in Brooklyn. Here are some images from both the home workspace and some work from the studio. Feeling the energy all around being back in New York. Feeling that electric push, but also with all the years of life thus far under my belt, and a lot of growth, patience, and perspective, slowly finding my voice and direction in my practice. It isn’t going to come over night, but I can tell that this phase is going to be one of the best yet in my life as an artist.
Super Dutchess, Innovative New Style of Street Level Gallery, Orchard Street. NY, NY
The Great Melancholy Pt. 1
Is it like waiting for a sign, or is the sign right in front of us. I stepped out of the Delancey Street J train station today, greeted by a soft haze of snow flurrying about as the sun hid behind an overcast sky, the light slowly waning as the clock clicked without a sound. The general markings of this beautiful New York City moment, that marks the winter, late fall, and early spring were seen in the disparate amount of people out and about, pandemic aside. I ate my noodles in the cold, steam pouring from my mouth like a great dragon with every bite. The flavors rising up out of the plastic bowl, the sriracha coating my tastebuds as the aroma of beef and broth filled my nostrils. Everything, soft and hazy like a glamour photo, paradoxically also had a certain intense crispness to it. The Chinese characters across the street, next to the royal throne of The King of Dumpling himself, stood out in their stark bleached white, against their electric blue awning backdrop, set yet still against the grey brick and corrugated metal on the facade of the building. The awning must not be too too old as the writing was not yellowing from the incessant wear of the weather and air of NYC.
I strolled down Orchard to Chinatown Soup to meet a someone that I would quickly feel connected too. I found myself in a humble storefront gallery space, the trappings of personalities not going after the elitist tide of prestigious face declaration, seemed to be in control of the helm. Right next store, perhaps three storefronts in a row, maybe on Orchard or maybe on Ludlow, I forget honestly as the haze fogged my memory, were the empties of galleries that very recently lined their walls with works of art that perhaps were never meant to be afforded here. Not saying that I disagree with this sort of delivery mechanism, shit I make my my living from it at times as well and I also have a dear place in my heart for levels of the art machine. But here, it stood out that they could not make it. In all of their prominent self important glory, they simply had the monumental quality of lifeless soullessness. A grand castle with no hearth, a great feat of pure bright white paint where nothing moved and no one cared to patronize what I am sure was well explained to be a good investment. No, the thing that shown the brightest on this dimming block was this small little alternative gallery space that was holding on, perhaps even surviving in this time of reckoning. It emitted life and something beyond “product”. It invited you in to be warmed by it and start to imagine what one could make of the world, with the world.
The art was soulful, young, fun, weird. It was like being in someones cool basement that had an art show, and almost like I was going to receive a Tarot reading in the back, or see a house show like in the Williamsburg of the early aughts. I spoke with artist curator for a good hour about her work, food, history, purpose, our respective journeys through life. I listened, I really found myself listening. She captivated me in her honest delivery, in her slightly anxious unraveling of thoughts. It was a very personal experience compared to the silent treatment given at most of spaces that act, or used to act, as their neighbors. I had the wonderful experience of losing myself, the beautiful melancholic satisfaction of being in the womb of Manhattan’s chilly glow reminding me of why I have always loved this place. They even had an apothecary (I don’t know, is this a new trend with the nouveau spiritual) which was kind of cool, and a zine library, in what the real estate agents refer to as “the trendiest hottest most hot most trendiest OMG its the hottest” part of lower Manhattan. Machine shops and tailors, sign makers and Chinese Benevolent Societies still lined the blocks. The upscale restaurants were patronless while the seemingly new, young, locally run pizza place was forming a line in the snow of all times.
It was awakening a bit. It felt like a place where the possibilities to take some of the space and be part of redirecting the power in this famous locale of hard work and unbridled energy was possible again. It finally, for the first time since I returned to New York, made me flush with the sense of possibility. With the sense that perhaps I can sit down and write a list of spells and alchemical compositions which involve people, places, work, time, and the ingredients of manifestation to give something to this place, to these now calm and still spaces. Something which might crack a certain chunk of the armor of suppressed creative story telling in this place. Or maybe it is just a sign of the extended melancholic daze that will slowly constrict the life energy out of this place as it is lost to those who need it and eventually overtaken by those who do not deserve it. Or maybe, maybe it will just continue to coexist in ways it always has, pushing and pulling at the strings of culture, purpose, creation, and survival. But now in the ending and beginning of a cycle, I am hopeful it will usher in the possibility of conversations and stories that have needed to be heard for too long as the loudness of the machine has deafened them.
It was a great melancholy today, its everywhere. Maybe this is the moment of void we all need to find that moment of grace where the grey wind carries us to do something amazing. Or maybe, just something that needs to be done.
Insurrection
Did you see it? Did you see the masses of bewildered red hats storming down the lawn and steps and alleys and doors and seats and great grand stoop that is the steps of the capital? Did you see the minds of thousands churning out a singular thought that there was no way that which they wanted could have ever not happened, and that if they just wanted to more than anyone else it would somehow become the reality that they were sure was the right now with every ounce of breath they had? Did you see what happens when entitlement eats the very system that has enabled it for so long from its very children that it has sought to shelter from fascism and fear their whole lives? Did you see the man in Native American headdress confusedly consider that he was defending the spirit of those that his ancestors ruined and continue to slowly exterminate, and somehow still he thought he was freeing everyone? Did you see the tactile vests and the prepared once, who were there for blood and glory? Did you see them all say they were fighting for democracy and when asked about what the constitution said look blankly and admit they did not know for they had not read it? Did you see when told that others had read it and that what they were doing was a crime, was treason, was wrong, did you see how they simply, ignorantly, smugly, said “I don’t think you actually read it, I don’t think you actually know.”? Did you see it, did you see what has centuries of unchecked and unpunished belligerence, racism, and enabling created? Did you see it?
2020 Like Dream
I have been sitting here tonight wondering what the hell just happened in the last two weeks. I mean really in the last four years since Donald Trump took office, but the last two weeks have been a strange waking dream. As if the past four years were a living nightmare, the past two weeks have been a surreal dive into the culmination of so many bizarre energies and chaos vector colliding into a near cosmically engineered intersection of disruption and shear bafflement. We live in a time when every major institution and every perceived safe guard of moral compass has given way to a lust for power that is yet fueled by a strangely uncoordinated writhing of egos and suffering. Not to paint a dark picture or anything, haha, but shit has been so weird, and hopefully we have hit a precipice where enough people are culminating and projecting powerful enough intentions and goodness that we can roll a new wave over a soup of spasming time.
I watched four websites like a hawk for four days, unhealthy undertaking at best. It was not something I was proud of. It is not something I am proud of. I wish I had been in the studio working, thinking, putting image to idea, putting mark or paint stroke too feeling, searching fibers of materials and hinting at the wear of time in its evidence of cyclical endurance. I wish I had been making cartoons, or taking photos of places and people I find fascinating, not looking at unmoving numbers and constant media opium that I found myself anxious to the core in my inability to turn away from. I didn’t do the things I wished I had done, I just endured the fearful reality that was unfolding in front of me until it began to look a bit more optimistic. And still I am not fully settled.
I worked on get out the vote calls, writing postcards, even made a Fuck You Thom Tillis flyer. And yet, I still sat feeling powerless and frozen in the end. Not to say I am not happy about that which I did lend a hand with, but that I want to embrace my practice and my purpose more deeply moving forward. I want to revisit, or visit for the first time, a new peak of productivity and connective energy in creative output that I fills me with vibrancy again. And not a peak that simply rolls back down, but levels off at the entry to another peak. What I believe this really is is not a climb at all, but a true inertia in the forward motion of that which is the artist connected to the art and the life that exists found in creative power and acceptance of a purposeful existing, moving along forward so as to not have the opportunity to fall, but only to always push, evolve, and grow. The elections were insane. I am working to feel like a part of something larger than this again, and yet I now understand that my connection to this thing is worth incorporating for the positive possibilities of what is to come.
Disgraceful past, rage full present, positive future.
We can only so much as hope that somehow the energy that goes into our collective work to come together as people, to let go of ignorant arrogant views about privilege and accept that the un-level playing field must be leveled and understood and created not in the likeness of what myself and other white people have seen our whole lives. I created some drawings of some downed confederate monuments earlier in the pandemic, and I look forward to continuing this aspect of my practice moving forward as a part of the larger visual narrative language that I embody. All Black Lives Have Always Mattered and these monuments torn down and strewn about for me a positive indication that something new and that does not subscribe to this system will be erected in their places, or completely separate from their ever having existed.
I Spent Some Time In Brooklyn
I did it. I packaged myself, my anxious tired of being in a studio apartment in Oakland during a global pandemic self, my hungry for the energy of East Coast, for the feeling of an airplane holding me in a 500 mph stasis over the expanse of this schizophrenic ideologically torn abyss of land, I packaged myself and boarded Jetblue. Upon sitting down, the vast spacious enclave of middle seats begone almost massaging me with it’s sense of calm and comfort, I settled in, plugged in, pressed the TV touch screen , adjusted the air vents, and let my mind wander into 6 hours of nothingness. Upon arriving at Newark Intl. Airport I found my car service and rode into New York via the Holland Tunnel. I hadn’t been in the Holland Tunnel in years, quite seriously maybe 10 years. And every time in the past that I would emerge from this transitory portal between New Jersey and the Empire City, it would be bustling and hustling with throngs of enthused patrons of the energy of NYC, the , meeting of Tribeca, Soho, Chinatown and the Financial District all colliding with different cultural agendas and capitalist strategies for geographic debate and trade. This time, it was still. The lights sparkled, the storefronts, half open half shuttered, and people non existent. A still ghostly apparition of the entry to the Roman Empire in the modern age empty and open. I could imagine all the decades of people streaming over each other as I have seen it my whole life yet in this moment, in the dark of night, breeze blowing on my face the stores and stalls flanking Canal Plastics lay dormant, the bootleggers with no one to sell their bootlegs to, the street carts absent. It was a strange, welcoming, but strange moment.
I reached the studio late. I stocked up. I got ready to shut in for 14 days, and I went to work. In this post are a few images of things I worked on while in Bushwick for three weeks. Looking forward to going back before the year has ended.
Getting Back into the Studio
Thinking about power structures, the truths that have always existed underneath the white washing of society, symbols in action of uprising, burning away the armor that has corroded society. Thinking about the complexity of the spirit, the inner workings of the levels of vitalization that have gone on for centuries against the structure, to let an air of creative honesty and an ability to turn the lens anywhere but the center of fear and power, sometimes usurped and manipulate, but always with a deeper energy shining deeper and darker and more powerfully through the attempts at washing the veneer. Thinking of the foundations rupturing back up to tear away the unwelcome armor that tries to hold itself above, it is just a layer of time to be disintegrated. Beyond poetics, I have been in the studio touching some things vital, letting the past months start to bubble out and out and onto the page. Paint ink wax pencil charcoal spray paint all dancing and having intense conversations. Alchemists and warlocks touching the very real and tangible moments of the present.
The Century Old Man Who Will Not Get Out of His Own Way, Work In Progress, 30”x22”, 2020
Let It Burn, Work In Progress, Sum Ink on Paper, 30”x22”, 2020
Helm Studies, Work In Progress, 30”x22”, 2020
Abstract Study, Graphite on paper, 2020
A Time When Reality Bends Opens Everyday
I have been silent here for over a month. Well over a month. I have been trying to humbly keep up with my duties as a human being in a world that oppresses so many, and simultaneously trying to deal with the pace of unfixed, day after day absorption of stillness while the world I see through virtual eyes falls into chaos. I am for starters so grateful that a match finally has been lit for a much larger swath than perhaps ever of people are finally coming together in mass action to support Black Lives and Voices and fight for real human rights, to educate ourselves (like myself, that are not Black or POC and have so much to learn in order to show up and support properly and work towards living lives driven by anti-racism). I am grateful to have an amazing community of people to be able to call and connect with on a regular basis, I am grateful to be in the Bay Area, to have food, shelter, clothing, laundry, income, to be sober most importantly. And within this gratitude and constant objective sober understanding of how fortunate I am and how much everything is in fact “okay” as can be currently, the amount that is not “okay” the disgusting insanity and vileness of the human ego run riot in the U S of A, is chipping away at my sanity and my perspective of focus and forward movement. The looming truth of the heavy slow grey clouds of an imploding, self destructive nation, that will tear its inhabitants apart for the unsustainable systems that are its guts that are the piping for the greed of many who manage it, is a point of crazy making and surreality that will not cease make itself known. I hear echos of “freedom lovers” banging in my ears constantly, I imagine my old confederate ancestors bellowing similar repugnancies, belligerent and blind and so filled with self absorption and literally driven by a total void of empathy or compassion that they were willing to fight for the most vile of human goals in history. They mirror their contemporaries in their ability to take beautiful possibility and turn it into an ugly waste.
Graphite on paper, A drawing of a torn down Confederate monument in Birmingham, 2020
I see these old ghosts in the terrifying behaviors of so many people that act out of a need to disregard the well being and peace of mind and health of others in their own vein grasp of some shred of control in a world will continue to move forward regardless of their unwillingness to change. And this sort of thing, this unfixed period of shifting states of time with echos of insanity and abuses of power is aiding in my own inability to feel tethered to a reality that I have grown to love where I find direction. So in this the challenge of finding pause, peace, and direction may in fact become a very important mechanism for my art and life to find a deeper groove in the record to connect and let sound fly. So much is not getting better, that I am reflecting on what is truly important and finding the depth of community and connection that I need to explore in new ways. We don’t get forever.
Frontline Health Care Worker, Graphite on Paper, 2020
I am moved to rediscover Buddhist writings sent to me by my friend Jin He from the Berkeley Buddhist Monastery, and then discover writings I haven’t yet seen that he sent me in May. I am moved to remember that there is a place where this strange space of waking up and not realizing the day or the time or what is “supposed to happen” is a part of the process, and perhaps an important one. I am moved to remember that with or without me the world will go through what it is experiencing, and I have an opportunity to cultivate and resonate good thoughts, constructive visions, and creative power in it al that will have effects I will never know yet will connect in some way. This gives me a moment of wonder in remembering it is okay to feel out of touch and overwhelmed with the world, for without those moments we have no barometer for knowing when we are in the channel and moving effortlessly through space with passion and connection. In that I also have realized I can be compelled to help to cultivate change in this political wave coming up soon. So many things I want to talk about but have to be metered and prepare for to see what actually unfolds. I have also been drawing some things, and getting the courage to write some pieces about my childhood. I have never publicly disclosed some of the darker stranger things I experienced as a child. I want those who know my art and enjoy and find something honest, that find resonance in it, to know that we all go through the darkness in ways that shape us. Here is some artwork i have been creating while the pandemic continues on without any aid by the leader of our nation. Energy is moving forward while egos are rising and falling.
Graphite on Paper, Drawing of a Torn Down Confederate Monument, 2020
Untitled, Mixed Media on Wood Panel, 2020
Helmet, Graphite on Paper, 2020
In These Times/ Links to Get Involved
As I collect my thoughts, and continue to take action to continue to stand up against white supremacy, and in solidarity with Black and POC communities, I am taking this moment to share information with you to help continue to aid and support in the forward momentum. Below is a link to a master doc on google docs that was compiled by @botanicaldyke, a City University of New York Law Student, Essayist, and Abolitionist. This connection came to via James Jean’s Instagram, one of the best Artists in history to be honest, so big thank you to James for connected those of us who may never have had the good fortune of learning about Botanicaldyke. The doc contains everything from Nationwide charities that you can donate to, free legal help for a those being arrested and incarcerated (and for those who are working to help those arrested or incarcerated) per state, mutual aid funds, safety protocols and tips for those going to protest on the front lines or who get caught up in situations with the police when they are in riot cop mode, and more.
And then I have a few photos I shot at the protest march in Oakland down Broadway two days ago. The photos themselves are also links to this other bail out funds, POC activist groups, and support groups.
The Architect of Rock N Roll
RIP Little Richard
A Return to Drawing in Homage
During this time in doors it has become very much evident once again that drawing is the foundation for every side of my artistic voice to date. It started with drawing, it all comes from a mind and heart that intuitively channeled experience and vision through marking making since my time as a wee baby. Drawing is sort of my alpha and omega and I have had an opportunity again in quarantine to fully realize this again. The simple act of sharpening a pencil and letting my hand describe life both physical/tangible and more elusive and emotional is tied to the very core of how I process existence, and it is still the thing that quiets me deep inside and lets me wander around in that limitless space of creative meditation that is where real art making (for me) is found.
Kelly Wong, MD, Brown Emergency Medical Center, Providence, RI
Catherine Chung, RN, UC SD Health Hillcrest, San Diego, CA
Purpose has come into a new view as well. I sometimes go back and forth with my work from a sense of deep purpose to a sort of questioning, wandering feeling of purposelessness amidst the backdrop of arts place in evolving society. I sometimes fin myself lost in a moment of “who is it actually for?” or “what is this doing for people beyond myself beyond markets and galleries and the small percent of the population that cares about them?”, and boom, I am almost always immediately reminded that it isn’t up to me to know much of the time, and that the simple act of creating to honor life itself is purpose. That being said, once in a while a glaring sense of purpose comes in the window and kickstarts the creative engine. I was fortunate enough early on in the Shelter in Place to find the notion arise that drawing portraits of Frontline Health Care Workers was in fact one of the most powerful acts I can put out there right now, an act of support and solidarity, an act of gratitude and homage.
Giancarlo Barrale, Respiratory Technician, Palisades Medical Center, N. Bergen, NJ
From the inception of the this series I have found myself in touch with amazing people that are literally risking their lives to fight Covid 19 while people like myself do our best to stay at home, wash our hands, socially distance, wear masks, respect others space, and do what we can to really support one another in this new normal, and show our support in every way possible for these frontliners. The intent from the beginning was to draw these portraits with PPE to raise awareness for the need of PPE in the pandemic using the tag #getmeppe that I found through Kelly Wong MD. While my drawings have been of health care workers thus far, I also want to remind whoever is reading this that grocery store staff, cooks, servers, drug store workers, food deliverers, so many people are essential and also on the frontlines and we need to really show them as much compassion, support and love as possible.
Ruth Padron, RN, UC SD Health Hillcrest, San Diego, CA
Frontline Health Care Workers for sure have made a huge impact on me in this time. Seeing images of them showing up with no PPE, wear trash bags, covered in Covid fill air, working around the clock to help everyone that they can amidst this absolutely intense moment in history. The Health Care professionals I have had the opportunity to connect with and draw thus far span from Rhode Island to San Diego to Vermont to Brooklyn, NY. Respiratory technicians, MDs, RNs, all working tirelessly so that we might all stay as healthy as possible.
Nicole Gatjens, RN, UC SD Health Hillcrest, San Diego, CA
The question that is America right now is sickening on so many levels to me. As these workers fight for lives and are so up front and vocal about what they need from us so as to stem the tide of this ongoing issue, the arrogance of so many in their response to a simple plea for calm is painful to watch. These people, often underpaid and underprotected are heroes, warriors, centuries of health and community. In response I will continue to do this work to show these people that we do care about their effort and that they are honored.
Alesia Flamen, RN, King’s County Hospital, Brooklyn, NY
I have been working with am Organization called Get Us PPE that is going to be sharing my portraits with their community to raise awareness for the need for PPE in this pandemic and in the future. I also have been able to help the New York based group Feed Da Heroes with a couple portraits to help their food program get meals delivered to health care workers in NYC. We have to balance the ignorance we see so selfishly occurring around us with acts of solidarity, honesty, and support.
Whitney Smith, RN, Vermont
This series has given me peace on so many quiet afternoons and evenings that might have otherwise been filled with the anxieties of the unknown moment we are in. I found that with every mark and ever line, with ever experience of seeing these people come to life on the page, and then the comments and exchanges that have come from posting them and speaking with the Health Care Workers themselves a sort of calm and exuberance of positivity has arisen. These have open my mind back up to the possibility of drawing and the ability I find in it to explore every aspect of the life, past future and present. I have found a new relationship with my ability and also open minded sense of possibility as an artists. The box I had begun to wear that was becoming tighter and tighter in certain ways as the melee of consumerism and society pulled at me on a daily basis has given way to the realization again that community is vital, that we are all here together, and that following joy is often where the best work and direction are found. Not to say that everything in life should be joyful, as I feel that that is naive and just unrealistic, but finding things that bring us that calm sense of joy even as we feel anxiety and fear and sometimes sadness or anger is a guide that should never be overlooked. And thus I have been reminded that drawing for me is a lifeline, a certain joyful act that has never steered me into a direction that I didn’t find awakening and the forward motion of life in, and sometimes that leads me to find a sense of absolute peace as the world screams by.
Joe Pelliteri, Respiratory Therapist, Brooklyn Methodist Hospital, Brooklyn, NY
When it All Stopped, and I Could Hear the Birds Sing While Everything Started to Shift (Life, Art Making, My Time at Duke, and a Fluid Present Moment)
I have been having this recurring image in my mind of the very last scene in Katsuhiro Otomo’s Akira. The last scene (which unfortunately isn’t yielded by internet image search but I found a part of it) in which Kei, Kai, and Kaneda ride off into Neo Tokyo after the final metamorphosis of Tetsuo and then the rebirth or second coming of Akira. Neo Tokyo is engulfed in pure energy creating a cosmic event in which the absolute destruction of the city prevails and what is left becomes a new beginning for those in the movie and us as viewers. I cannot honestly differentiate all of the images I have seen in films, shows, and graphic novels growing up, from that which I currently see when I walk outside, tune into the internet, or look out my window. The very fact that we have been seeing this our whole lives through imagined lenses (those of us in developed nations, as those in some developing nations have seen this in person often and my heart goes out to them) sets a strange tone of normalcy for me. A strangely numb understanding that this was always coming and was never not going to pass. I am talking of course about the current world pandemic going on. And numbness albeit is not the right word at all. It is more like a quiet unquestioning that this is not at all out of the ordinary, something that we have been predicting, imagining, illustrating, speculating, even forecasting for decades.
Now here it is, and opposite of being at our front door, it is in the very air we breath, it is the emptiness in our streets, the “Take Out Only” signs in our restaurants, the 6+ft of distance we take when passing others. It is the quiet resolve that many of us are taking in saying, “well this is life and we have been living this for thousands upon thousands of years and perhaps this is a part of a larger awakening of humanity as a species”, while others are saying “OMG money is everything, the economy is more important than life, and we are fucked.” This is it, and it is what it is. We, humanity, created a world where many see money, status, ego, and self to be more important than community, healthcare, inner peace, and balance, and we are reaping the benefits of it, as the system that our civilization created lurches toward a big moment of truth. And at the same time, millions of people around the world are unified in working together inwardly and outwardly to adapt and awaken further and continue to exist, and perhaps become more in tune and sustainable and connected due to it all.
Quick side note- In light of all of this, my partner and I are doing the little bits we can to add some light and possibility and support into this world. We are donating some PPE materials to hospitals, trying to become a part of food drops for homeless and underserved communities, buying what little bit of art (prints and such) we can to support people who are in danger of losing their housing in the immediate sense, buying locally as far as food providers, books and games and entertainment, and making sure to stay in contact with our communities and look for other opportunities to be of service.
So, what does this say about myself and my little needs, thoughts, and place. Well honestly, I am nor afraid nor fearless. I am confident that I and those around me and those I am connected to will find a way. We always do. Artists have a strange tendency to be like methodical yet eccentric worker ants, centered and connected to deep creative energy, compassionate and caring, with a dash of rollercoaster like ego, a unique, creative, perspective, and a lot of emotional ocd. We have had to creatively find ways to deal with our own crazy selves as well as a world that we feel “doesn’t get us” (lol), embrace change, fight hard and surrender harder for those things we need and must accept. We ask for help when needed, and have an integral unarguable place in the history of civilization. We do more with what we have than anyone ever thought we could. We build and create our lives and works out of an uncanny drive and flow to exist as we are, always seeking to better ourselves, our communities, the evolution of the art forms and ways of communicating we pursue and embody, and then the world at large. We create a purpose and energy in the world that people need and do support, for it enlarges and sheds a light of truth and questioning into the scope of all things. That is something that existence cannot do without. And we as human beings, whether we realize it or not, are all very much concerned with existence at whatever stage of awakeness we are at. So by saying this, this whole last mouth marbling stream of ideas, I will move forward, I have faced adversity my whole life, thus this begins just another chapter and I am okay with that.
So now to the immediate present current right this moment. I know millions upon millions of people are in the same boat as me, and many in a worse boat. Everything that was set up for me work wise, exhibition wise, revenue wise for rest of the year has suddenly been put on immediate hold or canceled with no clear dates to revisit. I had work going on in three states, and no ability to complete it. Two Residencies now on indefinite hold. Paintings on payment plans that are now on hold. A show in Raleigh, NC in the summer which is now in question. Multiple murals that were going to fund much of my exhibition and my life (ie eating, bills, rent, travel, etc), and not to mention the possibility of a growing body of work that I am using to seek funding for a large ongoing series. All of this was all going to fluidly support and open doors for the continued forward motion I have had to this point. Thus it was all going to keep me surviving, even thriving. But maybe surviving and thriving will take on new perspectives and meanings.
One of the largest hurtles of all that I find myself facing is that my mother, who has Alzheimer’s Disease, is in a memory care facility in North Carolina and I have no idea when I will be able to fly back to see her, or if I will be able to afford it when it is possible. This fact puts everything into a whole new perspective, one where I realize that faith has always shined a large light in my life. I have been so fortunate to be living a life where my path, creative energy and livelihood has afforded me the ability to constantly go visit her and help her transition into where she is at now. She is safer than ever before and in good hands currently. The right possibilities and opportunities have so far set themselves in motion to continue to allow me to show up for her, and find a new community in Durham in the process. I am not saying all of this out of fear or out of anxiety. I am in no way saying that my situation is worse than anyone else’s or is insurmountable. I am one of the lucky ones. I do not have kids to feed, I do not have a big overhead, I do not have deep and problematic medical issues, I have insurance thanks to Covered California, I have a home, I have community, I have a partner that is hugely loving and supportive, I have a loving family, I have access to clean water, food, I am educated, I have access to studio space, I am able bodied, I am in Recovery and blessed to be Sober, I understand my privilege in this world, and I have a working mind and heart that seeks solutions. But even given all of that, the future is very unsure, and what is for sure is that as the world shifts I have no idea what survival might end up looking like. I am so grateful for everyone that has shown me support in the past, to my Recovery community worldwide, to my friends and family, to my collectors, to everyone that has ever liked a post or shared my work with others, to organizations I am affiliated with, and to the big community of creative power that I am a part of. So I take it in stride, be of service to those that clearly have more on their plates, keep meditating, and just continue to be thankful for what I have in front of me right now.
Photo by Robert Zimmerman
When this all came to a head I was in Residence at a major University making art, installation work to be exact, sharing ideas and building relationships. I was invited by Bill Fick to come a create a site specific installation at the Rubenstein Center for the Arts at Duke University. Being from Durham, NC where Duke is located, I was asked to create a piece that speaks to my experience and relationship with Durham as it continues to change and grow. I came to Durham a few weeks ahead of schedule, but was greeted with some large family issues and had a hard time getting off the launch pad. Nonetheless, as artists always do, I surrendered to that oh limitless power of the creative universe, asked for help from my community, offered service where I could, dealt with my personal issues, and channeled much of it into the creation of work which always guides me through. Being in Recovery I also fully connected with the community in the Triangle and continued to grow and have a little more energy in the tank every day. The piece was really coming along well when suddenly it became screamingly obvious that it was time to be responsible and go back to Oakland where my partner and I live. Duke announced they were closing programs and buildings the next day and my residency was postponed until it is deemed possible to come back. Thus meaning that I do not receive my stipend until the end of the project. Simply put, this was the first hurtle. And though it puts me at a strange impasse right now as part of the larger web I explained earlier, my partner and I and those in the arts community continue to navigate what’s next. It will find a way.
Here are some photos of the project thus far…
I had an amazing studio as part of my time at Duke, and experienced a beautiful North Carolina snow. Here are some more images shot by Robert Zimmerman and myself.
Photo by Robert Zimmerman
Photo by Robert Zimmerman
Photo by Robert Zimmerman
Photo by Robert Zimmerman
Photo by Robert Zimmerman
Photo by Robert Zimmerman
Nature is our creator, we are nature, it is us, we not separate from it. But humanity’s “nature” is a strange one indeed. We are in connection to limitless knowledge and awakening and possibility, made of the same stuff that is the universe, yet blinded by our own ego’s inability to perceive something beyond itself and not stumble over our own feet trying get over on one another and show the planet that we somehow own it. This is one of those moments when humanity has an opportunity to take the humble course and admit that life is as precious as the whole of what we are created from. As an artist, as a creative, as someone who believes in community, in awakening, in consideration and compassion, in acceptance in both the form of striving ahead as well as taking a step back in reflection, I definitely am in a state of willingness to stay flexible, to stay connected to the possibility that this experience will help me find better ways of living. It will not be easy at all, nothing worthwhile or truly changing ever is. But it will be life, and it will be real. I embrace what is coming as best I can, and I have a commitment to my practice and my art that will continue on. Health care workers and food chain workers take precedent right now. If I can help support and show up for others in any capacity, please do not hesitate to reach out. I will always do my best to show up and help given my capabilities. If you or anyone you know can help support my own and the practice of other artists please do not hesitate to contact me, as we need your support right now as long as it is not impeding the support of our health care workers and others as integral as they. My heart goes out to everyone that is having a hard time physically, financially, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and is wrapped in fear and paralyzed by it. Please reach out to anyone you can, including myself if you need to. We all do this together, we always have, and we always will, despite how many in the word make it seem. I love you.
-John Felix Arnold III 03/24/2020
Living in a Sci-Fi Movie or When The Earth Said "Stop."
What times these are. I don’t have words right now. A great emptiness has made much of the world whole, and a great disruption has spun some out into anxiety and fear, and yet others into a state of calm reflection regardless of their socio economic status. We all sit and wait as nature decides what it wants to do rather than we deciding what we want it to do. It is all everything, we are that which destroys us, and at the same time, we are part of that which created us. Here are some photos of I shot in my neighborhood in Oakland after the shelter in place guidance was issued, only a few days after I flew back to California in the midst of this absolute shift in the narrative of the human world. I love you all, I love life itself, I love living and being, and I am excited to see what sort of new aspects of society can come from all this. It might get worse before it gets better, it might just all keep moving forward in a weird harmony, the good and the bad, the positive and negative, as it always does. Today I choose to again be in the light, and I give thanks.
Residency at Duke University
It has been a busy time at Duke for the last couple of weeks. I moved in a week ahead of my residency date and got to do some painting to warm up with in the studio. It’s amazing being a resident here. Here are some images of what has thus transpired. More to come. Oh and it snowed one of the nights while I was here!
Brooklyn, NYC
A New Year to Behold.
Sometimes the last few years seem like a blur. A beautiful blur, but nonetheless a sort of blending of moments that I have to actively dissect in order to see the details. Call it growing older, call it life in an age of oversaturated information and choices, call it what you will, for me as time moves on as of late so much seems to happen and I have so few moments to simply take it all in. The work I am currently doing is an attempt to capture ideas, moments, and feelings in this morphing road map of experience through different narrative visual tools. Different types of shapes seemingly in motion freeze frames, portraits of nostalgic icons and metaphor ridden images, purely abstract painting that tackles issues I feel and see that are so immense and complex to me that I can only discuss them internally through a process of boundless movement and expressive freedom.
Armor Studies, 11/5”x9”, Ball Point Pen on Paper, 2020
A lot of the work has been smaller pieces on paper or found objects that notate personal realizations about society, my own journey of slow awakening and growth, continuing to be in acceptance of life on life’s terms as I become more set in my ways so to speak, power systems and their effects on the people they seem to contain, honoring roots and forces of creative metaphysical energy in a world that becomes increasingly contained on a screen, the deconstruction of my own privilege digging deeper into accepting truths of where I am from and honoring people who were blighted, letting go of the armor of ego and the shadows of survival mechanisms wrought and taught in ignorance and misguided notions of success and fear. It is all there. It is all so hard to explain, yet we all feel it all the time even if we are not aware of it. It is that awareness I hope to transmit through my work, my own growing awareness and possibly ways of presenting my own journey that opens someone else eyes in new ways. I just want to keep learning, exploring, creating, and being honest with myself and the world I am a part of.
Time Study (Shadowplay), 20”x16”, Mixed Media on Found Paper, 2020.
Tides, Mixed Media Assemblage, 2019
Untitled (Armor Studies) 30”x22”, Mixed Media on Paper, 2020
2019 brought a sense of fluidity into perspective that was very much needed. Rather than a year partitioned by single huge or climactic events, it was more of a constant trudge through experiences, work, and responsibilities that continued to challenge and elevate. I can’t much talk about politics of our age anymore (as they are incredibly frustrating and negative, but that is not to say that I retreat from trying to be a force of good in the world) but to say that, as I have read more of history this last year, the feudal systems of empires created by the Romans and later the Monotheistic rooted empires that have dominated history since Rome adopted Christianity have not ceased to enact pretty much the same sort of subjugation through ideals, fears, and patriarchal power for over 2000 years. It all seems like a blur now because in honesty, while we seem to think that so much has changed, often it is just the actors and the terms that have changed, the inherent way in which human greed for power supports the structures that have been in place for thousands of years does not change (or it does but then repeats itself, time is a flat circle lol), and continues to become even more engrained. So I choose to act where I can, observe, and simply record my own experience through my art whether it be in realization of these tethers of history, of the beauty that exists within the world at all times despite humanity’s inherent conflict with itself, or even that that conflict breeds so much that is amazing and moves in so many different directions. Awe is not always a question of morality.
Homeless Camp, Photograph, West Oakland, 2019
One thing that last year brought into focus for me is a renewed passion for challenging myself and my practice to find my voice in ways that really considered intention in my output. Having to be back and forth on a constant basis from the East Coast to the West Coast to show up for my mother’s Alzheimers gave me a certain amount of time and forced me to process intense moments of emotional upheaval and internal processing, which lead me to find comfort in certain aspects of my childhood and formative years. This revisiting opened my eyes to certain realities of those times which I have come to understand in my work in sobriety and therapy, spiritual and psychological work, taking me to a place of being able to understand why certain things gave me and give me a sense of comfort and stasis. This has allowed me to let go of preconceived notions of their importance in society and history and really dig into history to understand the realities of where these icons and concepts come from, many of which are born in darkness, born in a very conflicted and often ethically questionable circumstance. Understanding the duality of being human has given me the opportunity to consider my own attachments to relics of misguided ideas that so many in society hold onto, and continue to heal from a deeper place of connection within. A lot of this seemingly abstract conversation will become more tightened up and understandable in my upcoming show in Raleigh NC with Anchorlight Gallery. My continuing Armor Studies series has been a big gateway for this dive into history, intention, connection, and realization, and I will be showing a large portion of this work at that exhibition in June of this year.
The Great Disruption, 4’x5’, Mixed Media on Wood Panel, 2020
The Story of Now, wip, 2020
Knight in Blemished Armor (Public Servant?) 4’x5’, Graphite on Found Drywall, 2020
Now that you have made your way through the flow of words and thoughts that describe my reality of late, I appreciate you stopping by. I am in the midst of work for my summer show, a residency coming up at Duke in which I will be creating a site specific environmental piece of art, and then another residency in the summer in Oakland. Busy times busy times, Full of new struggles, new accomplishments, lonely moments as well as times of beautiful community and team work. I am going to give 2020 the best go I have in me, and also try to not burn the candle at both ends in the process. One thing that adulthood, or rather becoming more aware of my responsibility to myself and others to stay healthy, connected, and sane, has given me is the gift of saying “thats enough for now, I need to reflect and be gentle so that I can be right sized in where this is all going”. That in and of itself gives me the power to burn that midnight oil with intention and strength and acceptance when it’s necessary, because sometimes that is needed in life and not just art making.
Thank you for reading and for all of your support. In closing, the below photo is of something new that is coming that I cannot wait to announce to everyone!!!. It will also be part of this summer show at Anchorlight, and is in the works of becoming an ongoing series. See you again soon.
Soon to be disclosed dance powerhouse on a hand made reclaimed wood assemblage panel. 2020
We Keep on Working, We Keep on Searching, We Keep on Living, We Keep on Being.
I find cause for the purpose in the work to be on the path of continuing to grow and learn and create. We have certain phases as artists where it all just elevates in a chemical amoebic shift into that thing that sets the tone for the next phase, and then we continue, we grow and we hunker down into that trench or current where it all builds again. I have learned so much about my own spirit and mind in the last few years, and the questions, some of the isolation of moments, some of the deep sense of connection of moments, a sense of the subtle pause with which I have approached so much of my own personal art making and growth has lent itself to an almost nostalgic, melancholy, sometimes grim palette. I look forward to letting the questions that were unearthed in this process grow brightly again, to getting my hands good and mucked up with materials, to letting realistic drawing meeting guttural abstract painting to meeting strange esoteric drawings become a guide. I am going to curate a selection of images of mine from the last 8 years, for my own purposes to see, nakedly, how they interact with one another. I hope you enjoy the conversation.
Strike Down Upon Thee, 3’x4’, Mixed Media on Wood Panel, 2014
Porch Lights Glow (Visible Time Study) 40”x30”, Mixed Media on Wood Panel, 2019
Ben Grimm Feels, 22”x15”, Mixed Media on Paper, 2018
Chicken Hawk Dive, 8’x4’, Mixed Media on Wood Panel, 2013
Grow Baby Grow (Ritual of Ruin), 30”x22”, Mixed Media on Paper, 2015
Today We Rise, Size N/A, Found Wood Installation Piece, 2011
The Story of Life, 26”x28”, Mixed Media on Found Wood, 2016
The Moment Just Before They Go Charging Forward To Affect Their Righteous Force, 4’x5’, Graphite on Found Drywall, 2019
Southern Time, 40”x30”, Mixed Media on Wood Panel, 2019
The City My Backyard, 5’x5’, Mixed Media on Found Wood Assemblage Panel, 2018
Residency With Budman Studio
I have had the wonderful pleasure of working in Jim Budman’s famous Venice Studio in Los Angeles for the past two weeks. I have come to many new artistic conclusions, gotten deeply underway on my show for next summer with Anchorlight in Raleigh, NC, and had some amazing times with Jim and the whole crew over at the studio. I look forward to writing more extensively about this soon, but these photos will tell the tale for now.
Raj Bunnag : A Printmaker You Need to Check Out
I met Raj Bunnag at my solo show opening at Runaway in Durham, NC last October. We talked about 90s anime and manga, comic books, and then some of the more philosophical aspects that these things evoke in some of us. It was a really solid conversation to be honest. I have since had the pleasure of spending some time with Raj, who is coincidentally one of my new favorite artists and just all around awesome human beings. I have been making frequent trips back to NC this year for family and art reasons, and getting a chance to link with him is something I look forward to. He is a prolific, hard working, bad ass, print maker and all around art maniac. He really breathes a lot of energy into the creative climate in Durham and beyond, and is truly starting to make his presence known with talks and print workshops at Universities nationwide, a show coming up in Atlanta, GA, and a work ethic that makes me feel like I am sitting on my hands watching time go by.
I have had the pleasure of hanging out and experiencing his studio on a two occasions now, and both times I was floored by the work I saw. He took me on a chronological journey through his life, his art making, his process, and where he wants to head. Each chapter visually depicted by massive prints, handmade frames, ephemera, wild drawings, nostalgia, signs and signifiers of his personal narrative. Explosive energy, and deep rooted life force abounds here. His work is loose and gestural, yet hyper detailed, cluttered, and insane in the best ways. His work for me was akin to Albrecht Durer and Ralph Steadman having a DMT baby. The tropes and narratives he embraces emit so much personal resonance to his character and view of the word around him. His work is a fully realized deafening wave that comes from the deepest reaches of his mind and core of his spirit. His work is investigative, honest, personal, and nightmarish at times.
His focus is obsessive, his love of his craft is unshakeable, and his desire to keep studying, working, and creating is impressive. It came as no surprise after seeing his work and getting to know his ambitious personality that print making legend Bill Fick seems to whole heartedly believe in him. His massive prints create waves of time and darkness, dealing with literal narratives like the drug trade and war, enveloping all in its wake. He deals often with aspects of humanity at its worst. Yet at the same time to pull back from these prints, the amoebic waves of forms and details often feel like a thick calming blanket of reassurance that life constantly wraps us in its unstoppable power. Much like the ocean in its seeming endlessness, his work for me is both terrifying, comforting, and liberating, helping me to have no other option that just to be in acceptance of the beautiful chaos of existence.
For all the visions of dark violence, and the obsessive sleepless nights of carving out expanses of lino, all the marathons of rolling out inks and producing epic pieces of art, Raj has an extremely warm heart and sense of empathy and kindness. He loves animals like few others I know, as he and his wife have a household of four legged friends who all seem to get tons of love. He is someone that truly loves experience and connecting with people in a genuine way. We have gotten to know one another over some bowls of Pho at Mekong in the Research Triangle Park outside of Durham, and I am all the better of a human being for these moments of breaking bread with him. He cares about creativity, honesty, hard work, character, and being a stand up, open minded person, and seems to expect the same from those in his circle.
Raj is the real deal. The day he stops making art I would imagine will be the day he hits the dirt. He is constantly digesting books about history, art, art theory, and the inter-workings of the bizarre world we live in. His personal narrative and history is intensely interesting and it conveys in his work and how he lives his life. It is as if he has to tell his story and the stories that surround us all that fascinate him, that he feels need to be experienced as he sees them or else he will literally combust. He is currently working on a series of drawings and prints investigating street food carts in many different forms, and the stories and energy they and their commanders and surroundings carry with them. I for one, as a new fan of his practice, am super excited to see where it all goes and to continue to keep up our dialogue long into the future.
Raj’s work can be found at https://www.rajbunnag.com as well as in Hi-Fructose at https://hifructose.com/2019/04/24/the-massive-linocut-prints-of-raj-bunnag/
Alzheimers
I am not going to front, Alzheimers is a brutal disease, a destroyer of so much of the balance of life we come to find as we grow older. It comes in raging like a wild runaway truck on fire exploding over and over again only to run head first into a wall and sit dormant until it explodes in motion again. And that is simply on the daily. I am growing accustomed to constant back and forth from West to East Coast at this point, but in all honesty really looking forward to having some aspects of part in all this in concrete so that I can get in the studio on a regular basis and let the art work pour out as I navigate this utterly overwhelming and truly earth shattering reality. Thank you to everyone who has supported me and continues to support me. I really can’t keep doing this without you, and now that I am in a support role to a parent I cannot express how much it means to have others who are there for me and my practice. More to come. Wanted to check on the real.
Photo For The Day.
I have been decompressing from a really big piece I was in the midst of for a while and am back to the computer land. Here is a photo from my lovely collection spanning a lifetime. This one more recent that many.
The Sierras