So we all get stuck in what feels like a cycle of never ending repetition with minimal growth from time to time. I think that as an artist this sort of cycle and the moments when the mundane are actually a positive and a reflective moment to learn, I sometimes become fearful of change not happening fast enough, or change not being AMAZING again. I think it comes back to issues I have dealt with throughout my life that stem from childhood scars that I have worked through, but still do exist. I mean sometimes if things were wrought with constant flux, and trauma, and change, and movement for us as children, we grow to fear or not understand a life that is simply, all good. All good. Content. Just right. Most people would love to hear these phrases whispered about their lives. I have my moments, all good is one I do like, but honestly as an artist and someone that is constantly feeling the universes's energy ebbing and flowing and who feels compelled to strive forward constantly with new shit, these ideas can be sort of debilitating. Anyway, what the hell is he ranting about you are asking? This is what I am ranting about...
...movement. Basically a few months ago when I finished the Shooting Gallery show, and I had a moment to breathe, I became gripped with this fear, this anxiety of the climax of that feeling of the crest of the wave not building back up again. It's crazy to feel this way because history, even my own short life history is a constant cycle of this happening. But nonetheless I did become gripped with this fear of "is that it"? "Did I say it all, did I say it well enough?" "Is this just going to be the repetitive cycle of things, and eventually will it be so 'normal' that everything will just be content?" I met with my sponsor and dove very heavily and healthily back into my 12 step work and into some serious meditation and self work. Suddenly there I was again, breathing, totally in sync with every moment, in complete acceptance of reality, of the here and now, feeling purpose, relief, wholeness, and complete in the understanding that I was exactly where I was supposed to be. Suddenly the true vision for my next endeavor started to come to light (as it had been marinating for quite sometime below the surface, growing like that wave I was speaking of) and I remembered something priceless, something so true to existence at its core. The guides, the signs, and the ability to reinvent ourselves and our voices are always there. Building on a solid foundation but evolving is what life and art is all about. Acceptance of the fact that change and how we make even the most repetitious spans of time evolve and become fulfilling or lead to a new path, is a truth and a miraculous event that is constant. I accepted that no one thing will ever inform or complete everything, as I have multiple times in the past, and a beautiful sense of calm and comfort washed over me, and suddenly I found myself drawing again. It wasn't immediate. It took a couple months from "Pilgrimage" but it began to happen. I remembered that to trust in relationships with the guides and forces, with myself and my place in the universe and "the path" is where the anxiety leaves and the action begins.
So therein, having been in the job, eat, sleep, watch, over analyze, job eat, sleep, watch, over analyze, and then falling into some old bad habits (that fortunately pale in comparison to drinking or drug use, thank you sobriety) all of a sudden, it hit me. The vision to reach into my unconscious and conscious states of being and nostalgia in the past couple years and chart the miraculous journey I have been on in a non literal way (for the most part) and the amazing connection I have made with these forces and energies and informations that are so beyond this world, yet with us here all the time, suddenly became my goal. A body of work that would have to embrace repetition of self care and seeking, embrace a work schedule again, but would allow me to explore some seriously new ideas ways of doing things and even colors and process. Once again my fear of contentment, of my idea of the mundane, brought me back to the reality that life has been and will never have to be as such for me, for anyone that truly seeks and wishes to be on a path of evolution. So word, I get to invite the audience to experience it with me through signifiers, colors, sounds, onomatopoeia, textures, tones, and a lot more.
I kicked it with Skinner the other day, and we definitely talked about this exact, sort of hard to define set of experiences, feelings, moments, mental states, and more. It was a fucking awesome chill session and we really talked about some heavy philosophical, as well as looking at rad figures and talking about Jack Kirby and stuff. I have to say, to all the people who totally relate to what I am saying here, this is our task. We are here to work and thrive through all of this intensity and create and seek and put forth the universe for everyone to see further. If you don't quite relate to it I am very happy for you because you may know a type of peace that I never will, a certain ability to be content and enjoy it in a way that really does not bring anxiety and make it feel like a magnetic hurricane of the universe is swirling inside of you sometimes. But to everyone out there reading this, I thank you for doing so, I thank you for engaging in this conversation with me and I am very very happy to bring you a new, truly personal, truly explorative, honest, and different, I guess evolved body of work and experience. My experiences with the collective unconscious, dream and meditative states through the lens of Unstoppable Tomorrow is coming this October to Fecal Face! No Destination , for me it has become a way of life. Every moment is important, and there is always more and a new step forward. Let's Party People! Whose bringing the whole pig to roast? I love it all. Also there will be Prints, and Zines, and Ice Cream, and Yummy stuff, and maybe I will put liquid acid in your beverage, just maybe...
Now its time to start cleaning out my studio and my apartment and heading back to the Big Apple for the next stage of this life I have been given. But first, this Saturday at FFDG at 2277 Mission St. in SF, we are having a closing for my solo show "No Destination" featuring an artist talk by Joel St. Julien and myself and a live PA by Joel (my sound collaborator) from 6 to 8pm. Should be an awesome time and a great way to begin my exit from life in the Bay. Much Love!!!! Do what you feel and remember to #makeworkson!