Pay Attention to the View

January 22, 2019

I am sitting in Raleigh, NC, on a visit home right now reflecting on the world, life, home, how I got here, and also simple things like how much I dig the new True Detective season with Mahershala Ali, the fact that soda water is the truest refresher there is, and why North Carolina BBQ is so damn good. So many things have been moving through my mind of late. Two projects currently under way in the Bay Area, a huge mural coming up in LA through a Dept. of Cultural Affairs grant, wanting to be in LA more to spend time learning from my mentor there, so many exhibition ideas that have been in the mind’s eye for years starting to become actual possibilities in this reality, there is more.

The Power of Certainty, Painting on Wood Panel, 40”x30”, 2019

Bill Dunleavy, co-founder of Superchief Gallery and Director of Superchief Gallery Los Angeles and myself at the Parker Day opening in Los Angeles, CA.

What happens when we decide to show up for family in times of age and growth, how do we move from a life of 12 years in one place into the next phase of our development. Do our intentions and true direction in life often or always take use where we need to be despite what might seem logical in a mine field of late capitalism, societal structures, and broken status quo idealism? Is it that simple pure energy inside that isn’t about feeling good all the time or convenience or efficiency for the sake of investors, but about truly living, exploring what we have at our fingertips with the bodies and minds we were created in and with, that is our vehicle for truly finding what lays beyond systems of servitude to things that don’e elevate us? I feel alive.

Eating Blintzes with my friend in Alameda, CA

Plain and simple, I feel alive. I am excited about life’s challenges, failures, and successes. I am mostly excited about the fact that through it all we learn, we grow, we become better versions of ourselves if we are willing to embrace the energy that is readily supplied us. I first time in a while feel optimistic despite how fucked up our nation is, as it is doing a sort of final vomit of so much poison that it is inside. Maybe not a final vomit, nothing is final, but something, some tearing and some ripping is happening, and from it comes a new way.

Current detail of an installation commission in progress in a new Apartment Building in Oakland, CA>

I prayed and meditated and accepted and received the energy of the blood moon the other night. It filled me with a sudden awakened moment of remembering, that energy of choice, to let it fill me and guide me and be the path is always real and always there. So I say work for it, work to stay in it, filled with it, work to go and keep it unfolding and see what sorts of amazing things we can create, share, communicate, love, and find form and formless purity within.

So to all this I say, in a more brass tacks kind of way, there is a lot being made and thought out right now. The response to aging and to the worlds ceaseless suffering and infatuation with it has me moving the opposite direction. There are projects, shows, and even some new endeavors in the works. Reprinting my zine Anime Mixtape again soon, getting ready to keep cranking out some new large paintings and assemblages of smaller works exploring armor, the psyche, patterns, ritual, personal and geographic history as a means of identifying our own multi faceted portraits of existence. The gears keep turning and I am also super grateful to be surrounded in a larger international sense, by a community of amazing creatives and people that support and drive each other to keep reinventing and riding our waves. Lastly i will say, I have some work in a small group show coming up from a long time friend and curator who I am honored always to work with in San Francisco. More to come on that soon… thanks for stopping by.

Portrait of Me at Waffle House in Durham NC, Shot by my brother Parker.

Looking back, now, and forward.

April 21, 2018

I have made a lot of art. I have made a lot of art that meant a lot to me and that I found to be next level, but has not really had much of a response amongst my audience. I have likewise made things that a lot of people seem to love and I myself am into but don't find that next level depth in and can just sort of enjoy as a pretty picture over time, nothing wrong with that. Then there are the pieces that seem to sync up with all of it. The universe surrounds excites and we all lift up in a movement from the connection.

Here are some works I haven't show a whole lot that seem to have done all three.

2015 Into 2016, a Romance Story.

January 01, 2016 in Contemporary Art, Narrative Art, Painting, Uncategorized, Visual Art

The new year has been born. The gregorian calendar new year that is. As many of you know I generally write a post at the end of the year summarizing the past events of the year and leading into the new. I have chosen to wait this time until the new year has dawned because, simply put, this year was fucking hard. To sum up 2015, utterly painfully gut wrenching, challenging, ego destroying, beautifully enlightening, intense, and full of awakening and coming to a place and feeling of real self worth like I have never known before.

2015 began with a move back to the East Coast, one that I publicized greatly, that I seemed to make a huge deal about and sort of base my entire being upon. It saw the supposed "end of an era" of living in California and a move into the resurrection of a nostalgic existence redefined by a very arrogant view of "inevitable success" that would become my reality left up to the wind as if I could do no wrong. It saw six months leading up to my huge move without much recovery, without much perspective, without much work inward, with really no moments of selflessness, and without much thought for what could happen.

Essentially blinded by my own sudden uphill climb into a life gaining attention and momentum in certain aspects, I began coasting and I ran headlong into the darkest moment I have ever had since before getting sober. I ran blindly with almost no real defense into what truly was the end of an era, and not at all the one I had planned on. Suffice to say, I was brought to my knees by my own fears, insecurities, unresolved issues, and arrogance and began the insanely hard process of addressing aspects of myself that were not working anymore, that simply put were cancerous which I had used as fuel to move forward for so long. The engines I thought that were "me" ceased to work so that a healthier "self" could be finally nudged to the surface, sometimes yanked, and replace them. While I now know this is what was happening, at the time I simply had no earthly idea as to why after this grand exit from California I was suddenly in the darkest place internally I had been stuck in for the past 5 years. I honestly thought I was losing my mind and that I was either going to drink or somehow go off the deep end.

The pain became so unbearable inside, while in Brooklyn on the 5th floor of an apartment building in Flatbush as an intense blizzard hit and acute bronchitis set in with my dear friend Katie who was also going through her own intense shit, and the darkest thoughts one can imagine cycled through my mind like a hamster wheel 24/7 leaving me sleepless and afraid to my core. I was truly lost and feeling my soul being ripped apart by the lack of work I had done on myself before leaving to embark on this geographical and spiritual journey. But it had to happen this way I now see. In what felt like an eternity (but was only a matter of weeks) the beauty of acceptance set in as I finally, in the most liberating and successful way (next to getting sober), "gave up".

I will never forget the clod of slushy ice that fell from an awning and hit me in the head on a rainy 33 degree day walking to the train feverish and coughing as I went to a job interview in none other than time square. I will never forget that moment where the powers that be, the voice of the universe simply allowed me to let go. And it all made sense, the test made sense. I had work to do, different work than I had thought. I had so much more inward training and work to do spiritually and psychologically. I needed to address my intentions, my motives, my goals, my outcomes, my needs, the needs of others, my place in things. So I packed it all up quickly and it was back to California. I simply knew with no fear and no fight and no more pain that I needed to be there, to dig deep and get right truly and fundamentally before forging out into a new geographical reality. I let the spirit in and suddenly my actions became sound and I was no longer fighting the tide, the tide was loving and liberating, and just a little bit, day by day, the edge began to wear down.

Now this is not to say that the pain just was gone. My insides still felt as if I had a war of angels and devils being fought inside, but it did not feel as if the darkside was winning any longer. It felt as if I knew finally that everything was going to be fine, I just had to hunker down and do the work and dig inside and truly unearth who the fuck I am and work to be of service and toward a life not ruled by negative ego to see that bright sun rise again over the ocean's waves. I felt as if I had been destroyed, ripped apart, left as a husk of a person, and still the bits that remained were being razed and chewed up and ground down and I realized I had to go with it. I got to work, quickly yet lived slowly, with an open eye for the things that brought healthy change in the state of hyper sensitivity that I awoke too and carried with me daily.

Life is one huge series of lessons, and I have to say at this point, humility truly is the best teacher sometimes. Humbled to the point of which I was willing to actually give up making art entirely simply to be sane and happy I began working hard in my recovery again, harder than I ever had to that point. I did as I was told, I took advice, I began working with others, I accepted my place in things, I accepted that this was reality and it is simply not about "me" and what I want, but about what I am here to do, how I can be useful beyond simply survival, how I can help others and live by principles and be of service to my surroundings and those who are going through life's torrent. I let go further and further and got back into a very healthy routine with a very different set of priorities than when I had moved at the end of 2014.

The art started coming by itself, or rather through me in a way it had not in some time. I was once again a conduit to express the unseen intangible aspects of growth and change and realization and fear and working through pain (as an indicator for change) that we all go through. I became incapable of deciding what I was going to make, what image I was going to craft, what technic I was going to use as my hands literally made work before my eyes from the most intuitive and deeply, honestly, communicative place I have experienced in years. I tried to force myself to revisit conventions and found them being ripped apart in a liberating performance of discovery and being in the present as I could feel myself becoming this new person. I simply became a channel for what needed to be said and shared. It became the most healing and cathartic work and experience I have ever had. I finally began to be freed of so many limitations of "self" and "ego" that I had placed upon myself so that I could be destroyed in order to be reborn. I mean this with all my heart, this experience took me to my limit and then allowed me to break through to an existence and level of gratitude I have never quite known before.

This was not just a sudden moment though where the year became easy by any stretch of the imagination. This was just the catalyst to begin letting the path of growth and change move forward, to let go of myself in order to let my energy develop. And thus the year took shape. A new apartment, a new studio, and a long hard road of work and acceptance to walk through. Interestingly enough, the highs of this year have been as intense in good ways as the lows were in hard ways. Part of it is that I feel I was reduced to this simple foundation again much like when I got sober, but in a deeper way. In a way where the devices that still ran me from the "old me" when I got sober finally ceased to work. In the way in which we find ourselves forced to change when we actually get what we want and it is killing us and we need to make a shift in understanding our path, that was and is my journey.

I succeeded in making two wonderful bodies of work that were a process of paring down, saying more with less. They challenged and overcame a sense of what I thought I needed to do to make art. This action showed me a new foundation to build from, deep in process and in the practice of "losing the image" in order to truly see what is beyond what our eyes and surface thoughts tell us and make us judge and want. I met amazing new people, including someone who has grabbed my heart and nurtured it as I have nurtured theirs and we find new things out about ourselves through one another in a dance of beautiful truth and eroticism and humor and deep honesty and growth as we grow together and bring others into our energy. This wouldn't have been possible without the intense and painful reality of what I went through in the beginning of the year and I know that. My armor and my sense of direction have been stripped down and I realized that I am just the person I am and that is beautiful and that is okay. This in turn allows me to truly see my friends and lovers and my art making with honest open eyes and love who they are at their raw core of being. Suddenly my inner strength and real love and acceptance of self worth and search for purpose beyond this abstract world humans have built has put me in places and moments that have become so incredibly powerful.

I Reckon I'm Not A Giant Robot After All

I had a solo show in Chelsea, NYC with long time friend and brother Joseph Gross. While in New York I spent an entire day and night with someone so close to my heart talking sharing about our growth, about the world, about intimacy and perversion, about psychic voyages, about love, and of course about food while eating at Yakitori Taisho. I did those exact things another night with another friend very near to my heart at Oh Taisho. I walked with an old flame and long time friend on the high line and across the city. At the opening to "From Here" at Joseph Gross Gallery I was so fortunate to have people I have known since the age of 17 to those I just met this year come and have deep discussions and loud laughs and hugs and all be so stoked to be able to come together again and be growing and finding our ways. I walked the city with a very dear friend as well the next day and got to the spend days with my brother Pete catching up and meeting our brother Charlie's newborn little Roscoe.

I even went to Dublin, Ireland to see my partner, this person I have found this wild cosmic and intensely bright connection with. I experienced a whole new culture and sense of time and explored ancient aspects of civilization. We laughed we loved we walked we explored minds, hearts, and flesh, we rolled around we kissed we ate delicious things we held each other closely, we absolutely made the most out of every second we had together.

I reconnected with my cousin, whom I had not seen for 24 years. who is a brilliant writer while on my first trip ever to Denver, CO for a solo show with Black Book Gallery. We went to Casa Bonita (see South Park). And on the same trip saw my newborn nephew and my sister and brother in law and my father even showed up. I traveled to LA and back a couple times. I went to shows, I went on dates, I explored a bit more kink in my life, I went swimming, I ate all sorts of foods, I let go of my conception of myself and also moved with a bit more caution yet also with a bit more hunger for experiencing more than just career advances and notches in my belt of life. I got to know Oakland and SF a bit more as well. I went to Harbin one last time with my partner before it burned down. I finally found a studio in a place with many other artists rather than in my own little world as I have been for years.

I have finally become more in tune with the idea of a life meant to be explored rather than a line of events that lead to a known result and a selfish as well as small view of what success means. It is as if life has opened up into the realization that no one thing makes or breaks a person, no one moment in life defines us for all of it, there is nothing that we do, no level we get to that suddenly we can say "I did it, boom thats it it's all gravy from here". That does not exist. Living in that concept drove me as far as it could, and while I am grateful that it did get me to a certain checkpoint in life, it is also a figment of my alcoholic mind. Life is four dimensional, maybe more dimensional. It is as tangible and firm as it is elusive and unexplainable.

Life is about loving others, about doing the best we can every day, even if somedays that means doing very little and resting and healing making sure we are healthy within so that we can once again go forth and truly be a part of the world and let our vision explode and become a part of the fabric of time. I took more time to tell people I love them this year, I made myself slow down so that I did not fall flat, I have begun to learn what it means to move forward into something sustainable rather than explosively into the ether without caring how I affect myself and others. I began to learn to love myself as well.

There were beach adventures, there were AA meetings, there were great meals with great minds with incredible conversations. My super close friend and art ally Terry Addison moved back to the bay. A lot of my friends had babies and tied the knot and families were created and bonds strengthened. Some people died as well and others were lost in the fabric of time. Cities changed, people changed, and the world continues to spin. I learned this year that I truly can feel deeply, that my life is going to go amazing places as long as I let it and stay in a forward state of being, and it may not be within the architecture that I thought that had to be. 2015 has been one of the hardest years of my life, and equally the most enlightening and filled with a sense of awakening like I have never known.

Last night, New Years Eve, saw a free ticket to see The Flaming Lips. Amazing! I was able to share New Years in Ireland via the internet with the person I am so deeply connected to on her time. I was able to eat a delicious meal with someone I have become quite honestly very good friends with due to the realities of this being the hard year that is has been, and after were able to go our friends' new home and see others that we are connected to. I was able to see the new year change with my best friend and his amazing wife (also a dear friend) and I was able to take a deep breath as the balloons dropped and the lights exploded and the youngsters enjoyed their drugs and detaching from reality as I used to when I was their age and I just got be so incredibly happy to be alive.

This year brought a constant ebb and flow of hardship and awakening. It was a none stop hold on tight journey through the extremely raw experience of having to let go of what we think we know and are and let who we really are come to light as we try to hold on to certain aspects until they are too painful and destructive and inevitably find pure energy and happiness in the lessons life teaches us and the realizations we exist in as new and old faces and feelings become the present. When I breathed in the first breath of 2016 I finally, finally felt balanced.

2016 has already started off in a way that makes me feel that this past year was one of the most important foundation laying experiences of my life. That shit had to happen that way and no other. My mind is much more clear, yet much less fixated on specific results. I have a vision of where I want to go, I have some projects in the works, some projects in the planning stages, some recent successes under my belt and a firm and true belief that I am worth working hard toward my visions of what I hope life to become. And that is to say, I feel that I finally do love myself more than I have ever really known in the past, in a real way, not in a way based on my perception of what others think about me or want from me. A real true belief that I am worth loving and that I am still here for a reason. It has taken a lot to get here, and I have to say 2016 seems like it is going to unfold beautifully, no doubt with hardships and victories as it should, but I feel like some of the greatest actions I will have ever taken or begun are starting here. Without having had this year throw me off of the course I had really tried to force myself into and be in turn forced to let the universe channel through me into my work find myself on the path I am meant to be on the work that will be coming out in 2016 simply will not have been possible. I mean this to say that I am insanely grateful because I am in tune with my voice in a way I never fathomed I would be. It is one of the hugest blessings all said and done that I have ever been granted. The rawest most honest art and lives come from intense pain and change and the new found awakenings that they become, and I feel that the catalyst has occurred and the foundation laid. I guess one could say lift off, but I feel more like it is a consistent stride toward positive and amazing things. Thank you for being part of it all.

-John Felix Arnold III 01/01/2016

Strength in Vulnerability (The Moment of Forever)

And how did WE get hERE where is thiS and it feels good alBEit intense and then its calm and beautiful. its always beautiful

September 27, 2015 in Uncategorized

All photos with my pretty unclear and not so high res Iphone 4 camera. It is strange that nowadays this is even considered old looking photography. Where do we go next?

Amorphous City

October 07, 2013 in Uncategorized

As I sit in my brother's apartment in the Prospect Park section of Flatbush in Brooklyn, NY I get to reflect on my trip and larger life in this city. Some places just tell stories and we are fortunate enough to add and blend stories with them. Yesterday I shot down the tracks of Q line tunnels, feeling the metal behemoth of a subway car bounce and shake and juke and jive and twist and undulate, eating track and time and space as it barreled into Union Square. Switching to the 4 train to shoot up to 86 and Lex so as to buy my pension of bagels to bring back to California (because lets be frank about it, in comparison Cali bagels suck, end of story) I embarked on my trip to the Metropolitan Museum of Art. I hadn't been to the MET in over ten years and was ecstatic at the chance to walk into those huge, inspiring halls and view one of the most amazing collections of art assembled on this earth. Samurai Armor, Modern Painting, Tanguy, Giacometi, medieval weapons from the Middle East, African Masks, Tibetan Paintings and sculptures from long ago, absolutely amazing.

The show was awesome. Triangle Magic was received really well I thought. The reception was very successful I felt, and the conversations I experienced about the work were informative and really helpful. People dug the work and really felt that it was a good step, one that shows a lot of growth and change and forward movement. It was so good to see everyone who came through. Many generations of people in my life here came and hung out, and one of my NYC family spun great music all night long. The next day lunch with Littlefield owner Julie Kim and my Mom was absolutely awesome, and then a VIP comped trip to the New York City Ballet made for a truly mind blowing experience. Within two days I felt like I had experienced more life than I do in months on end sometimes. Life is good.

I lived in New York city for a long long time. I lived here as a child in the mid to late eighties and then from 1998-2006. There is something to be said for the ways in which this city communicates, the speed and agility with which the people negotiate every second with each other, the amount of activity and productivity that occurs, and the general attitude of "you tell me no, then you watch me make it happen". This place was a major hand in raising me. I learned how to the navigate the world from the 8 years of living here I embarked on at age 18. I went through hell and heaven here, and it was in fact a very, very different place when I resided here, but all the elements of how to navigate the hustle are still here and are not going anywhere. In short, New York will be here. To quote Kareem Bunton "New York ain't goin' no where Felix."

Now at 33, 7 years of living in the Bay Area, every time I come back to New York I can't help but feel that it is much more "home" than anywhere else in a lot of ways. I don't mean to come off sounding like one of those people who moves here and three years later says "I'm from New York." That drives me crazy. When asked where I am from it is hard to explain because I lived half my life here until the age of 26 so it is rather complex saga of growth and evolution. But it does still feel like home. When you spend your formative years in a place for a long time, it carries a sense of home with it. I learned how to think on my feet here, how to love, how to fight, how battle the world, how to negotiate, how find the good in bad situations, how to be hopefully, how to be realistic but remain optimistic out of necessity, how to accept, how to multi task, how to deal with life at a speed and an intensity that to many is unfathomable here. I was taught the ropes by some greats like Nature Boy Jim Kelly and Kareem Bunton. I had lovers, some rather older than me that taught me so much about love and life. And I was surrounded by a thriving art and creative culture that was specific to its place in time and what New York City was when I was here. I just don't see it in its full glory anymore when I come back, but I know it is there just below the surface and always (I hope) will be.

The one consistent thing about New York City is that it is always changing. That is what New York is, change. I left my jaded, grudge heavy, disdain for what the L.E.S., or Williamsburg, or the East Village "was and had become" behind a while ago. And so it is amazing to see my friends and family that live here, which are deep and expansive, getting married, moving into adulthood, all growing together, becoming important parts of the city itself. Who knows I may move back at some point.

Every time I come back here the salsa music blasting from the bodega, the Jamaican accents and voices overpowering all other sounds on the sidewalk, the rush of perfection in taste and texture from a slice of pizza, cars driving by booming the latest hit on Hot 97, the hipster fashion show that is Havemeyer on a Friday night, the sound of tattoo machines at Flyrite Tattoo, the old worldly sound of Hassidic conversations and singing walking down Willoughby Ave, the greetings from the staff at real deal Izakaya spot Yakitori Taisho, bring me back into a dialogue that I have been a part of since 1986. I love this city, I love many cities, but this city is forever woven into the fabric of my being. In addition it is a beautiful thing to see and know all these years later that I am woven in the fabric of its beings, that things I have been a part of and done here have had an effect on its history and its evolution. The generation of creatives that I am a part of from here has done a lot to shape and change the landscape of this place. Every time I come back as soon as I stop and smell the air, smell the burnt electricity of the subway and the smell of Gyro stands and the perfume of a fine ass woman passing by, I thank god for home.

Beautiful New Life Commission!

August 12, 2013 in Uncategorized

Some good friends of mine commissioned me to paint the mother to be of the couple before she gave birth to their beautiful daughter. Here is the finished piece! I am very, very, very honored to have painted it and proud of the result! One of the coolest commissions and pieces I have ever made. I would love to do this sort of thing more often, creating works of art about creating life is pretty much the most perfect chain of events and things I get to do with my talents that I can think of! Much Love and Big Life to All!

Onward!

February 20, 2013 in Contemporary Art, Exhibitions, Installation, Visual Art

Man, life comes at you fast. I feel like yesterday I had just gotten back from Japan and I was trying to get back in the swing. In what feels like no time I have grown a lot as a person and an artist, I have walked through a lot of things with my head still attached and my feet still on the ground (loosely lol), and am still completely charged and stoked about the future and my present being on this planet with all of ya'll. I am getting really amped up about the SFMOMA project coming up, largely because I received a studio visit and real deal critique from Renee DeCosio (program director for the SFMOMA Artist Gallery) who came through with the awesome Alfonso Cosio recently. Man it was the best, most honest, intriguing, to the point, helpful, and explorative, no kid gloves critique I have had in a longgg time (since Pratt actually). It gave me some new juice to make an incredibly in depth new series for the first installment of the SFMOMA windows in June (also part of the Yerba Buena Alliance art walk) where I am really exploring some foundations, the origin and the architecture of the Astroknots, and by doing so really revisiting and dealing with a lot of things that were going on when I first moved to California in 2006. I have really dove deeply back into process and am exploring some of my core basics and letting things happen without a presumed outcome again. I am quite honestly the happiest I have been making art in a long time in creating these new pieces and the series that I see coming from it.

With amazing art work generally comes a lot more under the surface. Of course this comes at a time when things in my personal life are pretty intense, yet I do feel my feet are still planted firmly on the earth. It is amazing to feel such a sense of presence and compassion for things happening that I am involved with that the old me would have reacted to out of serious personal fears and insecurities, but rather now see how I can help and how I can maintain my balance in the face of some heavy stuff. To everyone in my life right now I say with huge words, I love you all and you are all very dear to me, thank you all for being you and exploring life here with me and not being afraid to get real with those you care about. And to finish this one off, I am going to Japan for my residency in less than two months. I will be doing a six day meditation pilgrimage before I get to work in Tokyo for three weeks! It's going to be, as Kenichi Minami from Ken South Rock says, a Huge Volcano!