I have been having this recurring image in my mind of the very last scene in Katsuhiro Otomo’s Akira. The last scene (which unfortunately isn’t yielded by internet image search but I found a part of it) in which Kei, Kai, and Kaneda ride off into Neo Tokyo after the final metamorphosis of Tetsuo and then the rebirth or second coming of Akira. Neo Tokyo is engulfed in pure energy creating a cosmic event in which the absolute destruction of the city prevails and what is left becomes a new beginning for those in the movie and us as viewers. I cannot honestly differentiate all of the images I have seen in films, shows, and graphic novels growing up, from that which I currently see when I walk outside, tune into the internet, or look out my window. The very fact that we have been seeing this our whole lives through imagined lenses (those of us in developed nations, as those in some developing nations have seen this in person often and my heart goes out to them) sets a strange tone of normalcy for me. A strangely numb understanding that this was always coming and was never not going to pass. I am talking of course about the current world pandemic going on. And numbness albeit is not the right word at all. It is more like a quiet unquestioning that this is not at all out of the ordinary, something that we have been predicting, imagining, illustrating, speculating, even forecasting for decades.
Now here it is, and opposite of being at our front door, it is in the very air we breath, it is the emptiness in our streets, the “Take Out Only” signs in our restaurants, the 6+ft of distance we take when passing others. It is the quiet resolve that many of us are taking in saying, “well this is life and we have been living this for thousands upon thousands of years and perhaps this is a part of a larger awakening of humanity as a species”, while others are saying “OMG money is everything, the economy is more important than life, and we are fucked.” This is it, and it is what it is. We, humanity, created a world where many see money, status, ego, and self to be more important than community, healthcare, inner peace, and balance, and we are reaping the benefits of it, as the system that our civilization created lurches toward a big moment of truth. And at the same time, millions of people around the world are unified in working together inwardly and outwardly to adapt and awaken further and continue to exist, and perhaps become more in tune and sustainable and connected due to it all.
Quick side note- In light of all of this, my partner and I are doing the little bits we can to add some light and possibility and support into this world. We are donating some PPE materials to hospitals, trying to become a part of food drops for homeless and underserved communities, buying what little bit of art (prints and such) we can to support people who are in danger of losing their housing in the immediate sense, buying locally as far as food providers, books and games and entertainment, and making sure to stay in contact with our communities and look for other opportunities to be of service.
So, what does this say about myself and my little needs, thoughts, and place. Well honestly, I am nor afraid nor fearless. I am confident that I and those around me and those I am connected to will find a way. We always do. Artists have a strange tendency to be like methodical yet eccentric worker ants, centered and connected to deep creative energy, compassionate and caring, with a dash of rollercoaster like ego, a unique, creative, perspective, and a lot of emotional ocd. We have had to creatively find ways to deal with our own crazy selves as well as a world that we feel “doesn’t get us” (lol), embrace change, fight hard and surrender harder for those things we need and must accept. We ask for help when needed, and have an integral unarguable place in the history of civilization. We do more with what we have than anyone ever thought we could. We build and create our lives and works out of an uncanny drive and flow to exist as we are, always seeking to better ourselves, our communities, the evolution of the art forms and ways of communicating we pursue and embody, and then the world at large. We create a purpose and energy in the world that people need and do support, for it enlarges and sheds a light of truth and questioning into the scope of all things. That is something that existence cannot do without. And we as human beings, whether we realize it or not, are all very much concerned with existence at whatever stage of awakeness we are at. So by saying this, this whole last mouth marbling stream of ideas, I will move forward, I have faced adversity my whole life, thus this begins just another chapter and I am okay with that.
So now to the immediate present current right this moment. I know millions upon millions of people are in the same boat as me, and many in a worse boat. Everything that was set up for me work wise, exhibition wise, revenue wise for rest of the year has suddenly been put on immediate hold or canceled with no clear dates to revisit. I had work going on in three states, and no ability to complete it. Two Residencies now on indefinite hold. Paintings on payment plans that are now on hold. A show in Raleigh, NC in the summer which is now in question. Multiple murals that were going to fund much of my exhibition and my life (ie eating, bills, rent, travel, etc), and not to mention the possibility of a growing body of work that I am using to seek funding for a large ongoing series. All of this was all going to fluidly support and open doors for the continued forward motion I have had to this point. Thus it was all going to keep me surviving, even thriving. But maybe surviving and thriving will take on new perspectives and meanings.
One of the largest hurtles of all that I find myself facing is that my mother, who has Alzheimer’s Disease, is in a memory care facility in North Carolina and I have no idea when I will be able to fly back to see her, or if I will be able to afford it when it is possible. This fact puts everything into a whole new perspective, one where I realize that faith has always shined a large light in my life. I have been so fortunate to be living a life where my path, creative energy and livelihood has afforded me the ability to constantly go visit her and help her transition into where she is at now. She is safer than ever before and in good hands currently. The right possibilities and opportunities have so far set themselves in motion to continue to allow me to show up for her, and find a new community in Durham in the process. I am not saying all of this out of fear or out of anxiety. I am in no way saying that my situation is worse than anyone else’s or is insurmountable. I am one of the lucky ones. I do not have kids to feed, I do not have a big overhead, I do not have deep and problematic medical issues, I have insurance thanks to Covered California, I have a home, I have community, I have a partner that is hugely loving and supportive, I have a loving family, I have access to clean water, food, I am educated, I have access to studio space, I am able bodied, I am in Recovery and blessed to be Sober, I understand my privilege in this world, and I have a working mind and heart that seeks solutions. But even given all of that, the future is very unsure, and what is for sure is that as the world shifts I have no idea what survival might end up looking like. I am so grateful for everyone that has shown me support in the past, to my Recovery community worldwide, to my friends and family, to my collectors, to everyone that has ever liked a post or shared my work with others, to organizations I am affiliated with, and to the big community of creative power that I am a part of. So I take it in stride, be of service to those that clearly have more on their plates, keep meditating, and just continue to be thankful for what I have in front of me right now.
Photo by Robert Zimmerman
When this all came to a head I was in Residence at a major University making art, installation work to be exact, sharing ideas and building relationships. I was invited by Bill Fick to come a create a site specific installation at the Rubenstein Center for the Arts at Duke University. Being from Durham, NC where Duke is located, I was asked to create a piece that speaks to my experience and relationship with Durham as it continues to change and grow. I came to Durham a few weeks ahead of schedule, but was greeted with some large family issues and had a hard time getting off the launch pad. Nonetheless, as artists always do, I surrendered to that oh limitless power of the creative universe, asked for help from my community, offered service where I could, dealt with my personal issues, and channeled much of it into the creation of work which always guides me through. Being in Recovery I also fully connected with the community in the Triangle and continued to grow and have a little more energy in the tank every day. The piece was really coming along well when suddenly it became screamingly obvious that it was time to be responsible and go back to Oakland where my partner and I live. Duke announced they were closing programs and buildings the next day and my residency was postponed until it is deemed possible to come back. Thus meaning that I do not receive my stipend until the end of the project. Simply put, this was the first hurtle. And though it puts me at a strange impasse right now as part of the larger web I explained earlier, my partner and I and those in the arts community continue to navigate what’s next. It will find a way.
Here are some photos of the project thus far…
I had an amazing studio as part of my time at Duke, and experienced a beautiful North Carolina snow. Here are some more images shot by Robert Zimmerman and myself.
Photo by Robert Zimmerman
Photo by Robert Zimmerman
Photo by Robert Zimmerman
Photo by Robert Zimmerman
Photo by Robert Zimmerman
Photo by Robert Zimmerman
Nature is our creator, we are nature, it is us, we not separate from it. But humanity’s “nature” is a strange one indeed. We are in connection to limitless knowledge and awakening and possibility, made of the same stuff that is the universe, yet blinded by our own ego’s inability to perceive something beyond itself and not stumble over our own feet trying get over on one another and show the planet that we somehow own it. This is one of those moments when humanity has an opportunity to take the humble course and admit that life is as precious as the whole of what we are created from. As an artist, as a creative, as someone who believes in community, in awakening, in consideration and compassion, in acceptance in both the form of striving ahead as well as taking a step back in reflection, I definitely am in a state of willingness to stay flexible, to stay connected to the possibility that this experience will help me find better ways of living. It will not be easy at all, nothing worthwhile or truly changing ever is. But it will be life, and it will be real. I embrace what is coming as best I can, and I have a commitment to my practice and my art that will continue on. Health care workers and food chain workers take precedent right now. If I can help support and show up for others in any capacity, please do not hesitate to reach out. I will always do my best to show up and help given my capabilities. If you or anyone you know can help support my own and the practice of other artists please do not hesitate to contact me, as we need your support right now as long as it is not impeding the support of our health care workers and others as integral as they. My heart goes out to everyone that is having a hard time physically, financially, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and is wrapped in fear and paralyzed by it. Please reach out to anyone you can, including myself if you need to. We all do this together, we always have, and we always will, despite how many in the word make it seem. I love you.
-John Felix Arnold III 03/24/2020